Drive

I began to feel the ride start again this morning. Standing in line, waiting to board the train. But I didn't want to ride this time. Or I didn't want to just be a passenger on someone else's ride. These lyrics were not going to define me:

Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer 

So I got out of line. I walked away from the ride. I chose the higher road instead of the old emotional chaos. It felt good to be in charge, to not repeat old patterns that lead to the same place over and over again.

The higher road brought some peace. Which led to conversation that made the roller coaster disappear completely. And when the embers of emotions began to smolder without anything to fuel them, I stomped on them and scattered them until there were no hot spots left to burn.

I celebrated the fact I didn't go in circles this time. That I took the wheel:

It's driven me before, it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel

And I am enjoying the ride...

I was recently on a real roller coaster. I rode it twice - once in daylight and once at night. Both were awesome rides, but the night ride was a true exercise in trust. I trusted I would stay in my seat, the car would stay on the rails, and that we wouldn't hit anything along the way. What a rush! But it doesn't work that way with living. You don't exit the ride after 90 seconds and then go on as if nothing had happened except for the wind messing up your hair. And trust... Trust is hard: trusting yourself, trusting others, trusting God.  Not the same as trusting the engineers who designed and built that wooden roller coaster...

At the front of the line

So life is full of ups and downs. Always has been, always will be. I just seem to be addicted to this cycle more than I want to be. This morning I am poised at the top of the coaster, just after the cars have been pulled up from the start, waiting to see how this ride will go from here. But this is an interactive roller coaster. I create it as I ride - how high, how many twists and turns, and when the ride is over. If only I knew where the controls were....