I have been looking behind me more than ahead of me this week. I need to keep my eyes in front of me because there is no going back. There is nothing to go back to. It was not just a poorly designed ride, it was a mirage. The amusement park did not really exist. And now the reality is the only thing there is a pile of rubble in the middle of a wasteland. None if it has any use to anyone ever again. None of it can be salvaged.

I'm trying to decide where to go from this spot. I have walked away from the rubble enough that I can barely see it from where I now stand. Sometimes I can still imagine the rest of the park as if it had all been real. Most of the time, my mind has been thinking about how all the controls that created the mirage worked. And that is seriously a waste of brainpower!

Before I can move from this spot, though, I need to decide how to proceed from here. My old ways of thinking and designing are not going to work; those ways have collapsed many times before. I need to look at my own foundations. I need to review the theories I have depended up on and figure out the flaws or find better theories.  I need to inspect every tool and piece of equipment I have for cracks, parts that need repairing, and parts that need replacing. Fortunately, I have quite a team of experts to help me with all of this. They have shown me where to go for design information, how to repair things, and where to get replacement parts, and have offered their assistance and advice. I want to learn from them so I can assist others when asked.

In addition to reading manuals and studying architecture, I have been talking to the master builder frequently.  I am impatient for the research and learning to be done. But now that I have a better focus of what I have to do, I am hopeful the process will proceed at a safe but efficient pace.

After that process is complete, I can look around and figure out where I want to build. I have started to think about what I want to build. I don't think a roller coaster is what I want. Maybe I want a surfboard to ride the waves instead.... but I am getting ahead of myself again!

The fun I mentioned finding isn't always there after all. Or maybe it is during the wait between rides that the fun seems gone. I'm still working that out. 


I just listened to Long Way to Happy by Pink and figured out where I am right now. I'm definitely long beyond the old ride at the old amusement park.There is NOTHING I miss about that place or ride. But I still want to find what I thought I had at the old place on the old ride. And I'm afraid I never will. I'm not sure I have the patience to keep looking, or the endurance to keep trying new parks and coasters until I find the right one. Or that I won't recognize it when I see it. Or that I'll give up looking and become distracted with other, easier to achieve goals in life. Or that finding the right park and the right ride isn't what I should be doing. 


I'm confused. And I'm still recovering from the collapse. Funny how knowing I don't miss that place brings its own grief and tears, that moving on is as painful as the fall even when I know I'm moving to a better place.