Another two weeks have gone by. And I continue to study, consult with advisors, and bide my time while I sort it all out.

I have made peace with many reminders of the past. I drive by places that remind me of the old ride. They no longer feel haunting or mocking. I had a long phone conversation with someone connected to the design of the old ride. And it was freeing. I am surprised - pleasantly - by this. I feel so much lighter. I have not held onto details of that conversation. I hang onto the knowledge that I did my best, gave my all, and am still loved by many from that place. And I still love them, too. Contact will fade in time, which is natural. 


I have decided that while I wait, I am not boxing myself in. I am taking the high road. It may feel like a box sometimes because there are not a lot of people on that road. I am not putting myself above others. I am choosing to live a better life, with others who are also choosing the same. 


I know this feeling of strength and freedom will be tested. That is the reality - emotions cycle like a Ferris Wheel. However, the lows are less intense and the "highs" last longer and bring more contentment. The wheel changes shape. I must remember, though, to balance the emotional with the intellectual. Both are essential.

 

Not an April fool

I have continued my research and study in the past 2 weeks. I want to be further ahead but I am learning I cannot rush the process. My advisers continue to remind me of this when I become impatient with myself. 

Today I am celebrating the progress I have made. I am not looking back all the time. I have moved even further away and can only see a faint outline of where I used to be... more like heat waves off the pavement or from the ashes of the rubble. 

I am starting to feel "normal" again. I have stopped trying to understand the design of the old ride. It just didn't work. I don't need to know why any longer. I am looking for a new design that works for me now and from now on. 

I'm in the middle, the space between.... what was and what will be. I am not stuck in neutral. I am reviewing the possibilities, examining the designs, and taking my time before choosing. I am making a list of all the pieces I want included. This ride will not be box-like. It will not be one- or two-dimensional. It will be designed by and for me rather than for others. Sticking with the musical theme... it's my life!