I have seen visual reminders of the past more frequently in the last week or two. I believe this is a result of the karma incident - a new address, new traffic patterns, etc. What is curious is the times of the reminders - times that those reminders shouldn't happen if the old work schedule is still in place. Whatever the reasons, I remain so very VERY thankful that I have stayed free of my old thought patterns. The reminders mean nothing to me. They sometimes result in casual curiosity - isn't this a work night? - but beyond that, I just don't care. 


Tonight is Halloween. For the first time in 19-20 years, I am home alone and have no children around in any way. I have decorated the apartment with a few things as I intend to celebrate the holidays I love. But when it came time to dress for work, I completely forgot about my Halloween earrings, and wearing black or orange or even fall colors. I never enjoyed being out with the kids, especially in Maine where it tends to be cold. I did enjoy handing out candy. Though the numbers of kids at the house dwindled significantly in the recent years. I'm glad my granddaughters were out with their parents. And that I am home in my warm apartment.


I am looking forward to Thanksgiving; some of the kids should be here. Christmas could still be tricky, but I will manage. I plan to enjoy the rest of this year and to get ready to blossom in 2012. 20 and 12 are two of my favorite numbers.

There was a moment this week when I felt all the internal stress of the old completely break apart, leaving me feeling so much lighter inside and more carefree than I have been in a very long time. What a relief to lose all that stress. It was a combination of anger, hurt, disappointment, embarrassment, self doubt, and other emotions; and it weighed on me more than I realized until it was gone. 

This all occurred following a comment someone made to me about karma related to the crash. I made an assumption about what that meant, thought things through, and then turned it into a presumption. I don't care what the end result of that karma and that situation is any longer. I realize that I made mistakes and overlooked things I wish I hadn't, but it was not about me after all. I knew that with my head but not with my heart. Now I know it with my heart, too.

So the work continues as I shore up the places of self doubt with self worth. I have learned so much this year and have grown so strong. I have promised myself I will never again give away my strength. I worked too hard to gain it back and if someone is asking me to let it go, that person will be let go instead.

And I am no longer looking back at all. I am holding my head high and moving forward, still learning and researching, building a new structure through a new life and lifestyle. I like this new start!

Forgiveness remains triumphant even as it is tried and tested by my own mind and the actions of others. I am thankful I see the wisdom in forgiveness so that I don't go back to dark places that I have already left behind at least once. 


There are still ups and downs in my life, but the sources vary. That's just the nature of life as I experience it. So far, there have not been big ascents nor descents in the past few months even when I have taken steps outside my comfort zone.


My latest project is trying to integrate reality with perception. This is a big project that actually requires a lot of demolition of perception to make room for reality. What surprises me is how negative the perception piece is and how positive the reality is. Most of my choices in the past resulted in that being reversed. There is some construction as I use the newly cleared space to look for new opportunities and create a bigger reality. The results are truly beautiful.