It is almost time to close the door on 2011, thank God. Literally. This year has been a mess from start to finish. In 2012 I will have a clearer understanding of who I am and who I want to be. I will communicate my wants, needs, and boundaries. This is going to be a year of joy. I will make it so.

My emotions have been up and down this week. I'm not sure why. I'm not sad (that I can tell) but tears are close to the surface every day. I continue to do a lot of thinking about what I want and how I'm going to get it. And about how to not live in the past. 


While driving today, I realized part of me wants what I thought I had last year because I think that was the best me I could be. I want that security, sense of peace (when I had it - that was a crap shoot for good reasons), and comfort in my own skin. 


AND THEN IT HIT ME. Oh dear lord, did it hit me. That security, sense of peace, and comfort will not be found with someone else. I need to find it, create it, nourish it, ON MY OWN. 


I used to know that. In fact, in mid to late 2006, I had finally accepted my life as it was and stopped looking for something external to make it better. Then I met someone and thought he was my reward for getting to acceptance. 


Except I then threw out all the lessons I had learned and focused on what I wanted from a relationship. I made sure I saw what I wanted to see and felt what I wanted to feel without checking reality. And did I let myself be duped. Anyway.... back to the lesson. I guess I need to do everything twice just to learn it once. Because I sure made a lot of the same mistakes establishing that relationship that I made 25 years before. 


So instead of just feeling like an idiot who should have known better, I'm working on accepting who I am. I've actually come a long way this year. And now I realize I need to find the missing pieces from inside me. There's only one problem: I don't know how. YET.


I have to admit that once I realized this truth - that I had to create that feeling myself - my reaction was, "Oh fuck!" Yes, I actually said that out loud as I was driving. No one else was in the car with me. That was probably a good thing. 


So now I have 2 days to set myself up for the journey. I am determined to close the door on the pain of 2011 and not look back starting at midnight, just as the New Year arrives. I will look forward to my future and to creating the life I want. I have a lot of re-thinking to do to break old patterns. But I will break those patterns. And 2012 will be a beautiful year.

I continue to work on letting go. It will take time and effort to change habits of thought and feeling that have been in place for decades. But I am so much calmer than I would be had I not realized the family issue is not my issue. And I continue to stop myself when I try to retreat into old thoughts, what-ifs, and feelings of dread and despair. When I find myself doing that, I remind myself I AM FREE of all of that. My life is so much better than it was before. I look back to a year ago and all the emotional pain I was in and I am thankful to have worked through that and come out the other side. When the old dread and/or despair hit, I remind myself that is not a feeling pertinent to my current life. I force myself to let go of the weight and float with the freedom. 


Life still brings ups and downs, twists and turns. I'm just not going to enhance the ride any more. This is a great way to end 2011 and to start a new and better year in 2012.

My brain is trying to hold onto ideas and memories that should be set free. My heart seems more comfortable in pieces than intact. I've had enough of this cycle and am now going to change things. No more letting fear rule and  control me. No more feeling sorry for myself. 


One of my greatest strengths is also a great weakness. I adapt well to change. I don't always like change, but I "suck it up" and adapt to it. So I've walked away from all the tough times in the past 10 years and have grown stronger. But if I hadn't adapted well to the crappy conditions I allowed for myself, I never would have had those tough times. 


Getting angry at others for being who and what they are is not helpful. Getting angry with myself for not seeing the truth long before it finally hit me is not helpful. Both of those just cloud the issue and keep me from seeing the way out of those damn labyrinths. And I kept going in circles. Circles are for race car drivers. I'm all done with that.

better late than never

The memories of yesterday's drama hit me almost as soon as I woke. I went round and round trying out conversations in my head with many of the people involved. And then it FINALLY hit me. It is not my job to rush in and fix things, to try to get people to see the other's opinion, do the right thing, teach someone how to do something, etc. So I AM NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS. I am going to celebrate Christmas with one side on Friday and with the other side on Saturday. I'm not going to address this issue myself. I will listen. I will just listen. And I will let it go. 


I love each of them, but I just cannot participate in this any more.

Fractured family tales. On Christmas Day. I don't know how to respond. I'm tense, my stomach is in knots, I just want to run away from the mess. I'm already 200 miles away from it and it isn't far enough. When the going gets tough, I always want to run far enough to avoid it. But I don't run. I stay. And think. And pray sometimes. And try to get everyone to just get along. And hope for the best, that everything will work out. I think about life, about how people live in the US right now, how emotional evolution seems to have devolved over the past 30 years or so. And I become very cynical and critical and disgusted. I retreat into my comfort zone (crocheting, TV or movies, FB, reading - anything to remove the reality and pain) until I feel more like myself. Or until someone contacts me. Whichever comes first. 


I really hate this year.

I haven't had much to say lately. Life - the routine of it - got busy. And when it wasn't busy, I filled the time with things I wanted to do. 


But I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I've come to some conclusions:

• I don't want to ride roller coasters any more. 
• I've spent too much time in the past.
• I think too much.

I spent November being thankful for the many blessings in my life. I want to spend 2012 being joyful.