My emotions have been up and down this week. I'm not sure why. I'm not sad (that I can tell) but tears are close to the surface every day. I continue to do a lot of thinking about what I want and how I'm going to get it. And about how to not live in the past. 


While driving today, I realized part of me wants what I thought I had last year because I think that was the best me I could be. I want that security, sense of peace (when I had it - that was a crap shoot for good reasons), and comfort in my own skin. 


AND THEN IT HIT ME. Oh dear lord, did it hit me. That security, sense of peace, and comfort will not be found with someone else. I need to find it, create it, nourish it, ON MY OWN. 


I used to know that. In fact, in mid to late 2006, I had finally accepted my life as it was and stopped looking for something external to make it better. Then I met someone and thought he was my reward for getting to acceptance. 


Except I then threw out all the lessons I had learned and focused on what I wanted from a relationship. I made sure I saw what I wanted to see and felt what I wanted to feel without checking reality. And did I let myself be duped. Anyway.... back to the lesson. I guess I need to do everything twice just to learn it once. Because I sure made a lot of the same mistakes establishing that relationship that I made 25 years before. 


So instead of just feeling like an idiot who should have known better, I'm working on accepting who I am. I've actually come a long way this year. And now I realize I need to find the missing pieces from inside me. There's only one problem: I don't know how. YET.


I have to admit that once I realized this truth - that I had to create that feeling myself - my reaction was, "Oh fuck!" Yes, I actually said that out loud as I was driving. No one else was in the car with me. That was probably a good thing. 


So now I have 2 days to set myself up for the journey. I am determined to close the door on the pain of 2011 and not look back starting at midnight, just as the New Year arrives. I will look forward to my future and to creating the life I want. I have a lot of re-thinking to do to break old patterns. But I will break those patterns. And 2012 will be a beautiful year.