I finally got tired of the whole idea of living a roller coaster. I don't want to build anything. I just want to love and enjoy what I have so that I have what I enjoy and love.

So now I know I am not the only one feeling like this. The exact feelings are probably different, and we would probably choose different words to describe it. But overall, it is about relationships and being in them.

Lately I have felt like pulling away from all of them. But I won't let myself do that. If I did, it would be the end of me. It would be surrendering to the despair. For now there is one small shred of strength that keeps me holding on.

The strength was fed this weekend. The relevance was reinforced by those I need most in my life. Now to do the work that is needed to do - research, gearing up for big changes, probably moving sometime later this year.

Ironic, though, that which calms me also allows me a way to escape the tough decisions and work that is needed to move forward.

It feels more like a Ferris Wheel than a Roller Coaster right now.

It has been easier to be healthy than to be joyful lately. It feels good, really good, to eat healthy food, to go to the gym again, to feel my muscles getting stronger and my clothes less tight. The time I am at the gym is time I am not just sitting in my home with the TV on for background noise while I try to escape my perception of my reality.

I'm stuck emotionally and don't know how to get out of it. I'm afraid I'll just give up and stay stuck. I'm afraid my fear of risk is so great I won't venture out at all. I don't know what it is going to take to forgive myself for the choices I've made and the results of those choices. 


I want to get away from my routines right now, to escape the places I travel on an almost daily basis with all the reminders of the past. I want new challenges and opportunities.  But will I? Will I decide I'm just trying to run away and stay where I am? Will I find a way out only to find myself in a new rut of my own making? Or will I actually learn to risk again, to push past the fear and reach for more than just what I need to get through another day? I don't trust myself at all right now.

I heard this song on my iPod while I was at the gym today and decided it was very fitting for where I am and where I'm going in my life right now. I've just spent almost 20 minutes trying to find it on YouTube. There is one with anime pics and all the rest are covers by people recording from their computer. So.... anime it will be. If you want to read the lyrics, go to azlyrics.com and look it up. It's on the album Feels So Good.

The things I need and want to do are simple. But not easy. I catch myself in old thought and feeling patterns that bring me down. When I recognize the patterns, I stop and crawl out of the hole I've created. Some days recognition comes quickly. On some days I feel like Sisyphus.  

More and more I re-realize it is up to me to create the reality I want. It is not going to just drop into my lap. After almost 50 years of being passive, of letting life happen to me or of just letting it happen without providing much guidance, this is a huge habit to break. 

Today I made several steps toward the life I want. And that feels good.

I continue to work on the habit of joy. Most of the time, when my eyes fill with tears, I remember to think of all the wonderful things in my life and around me and the tears go away. Yesterday, though, I couldn't shake the old feelings. They weren't as strong, but I couldn't quite find the joy. Around 4 pm I got a phone call from someone I never want to speak to again. Being caught off guard, I didn't respond as I wish I had, though I don't regret the response I made. Next time, I'll just hang up right away.


The good news in all this is while the first emotional response was disgust and nausea, that faded and I didn't spend the rest of my day dwelling on the past. I pulled myself together and put myself back on the path of finding joy until I found it. Hopefully contact will soon be virtually impossible.


Today I stayed home. My head ached, I felt a cold coming on, and I just couldn't face work. I watched a lot of HGTV and crocheted. I ate mostly healthy and thought about family, work, friends, and other crochet projects I want to work on. I found myself again. Slowly the fear of living in fear is fading. I am taking the risks I can now and will take others when I have the opportunity. One day at a time. One moment of joy at a time.

2012 Solutions


1. Be joyful
2. Be healthy


So far, the joyful part is happening. And good things are starting to fall into place again. I'm waiting the final outcome and will write about that when it happens. For now, it is good to challenge the tears and the habit of allowing sadness to be my baseline. I have much to be thankful for and I am reminded of that daily.  I am focusing on being joyful - seeing the beauty in the day, enjoying what I am doing, loving the life I am creating. Focusing on the joy allows me to continue to let go of the anger and other poisonous emotions that still linger.


The healthy is taking longer because I have been making other choices. But the choices I am making are better than they would have been if this were not a solution. And I will continue to improve my choices and my health in the days and weeks to come.