It has been easier to be healthy than to be joyful lately. It feels good, really good, to eat healthy food, to go to the gym again, to feel my muscles getting stronger and my clothes less tight. The time I am at the gym is time I am not just sitting in my home with the TV on for background noise while I try to escape my perception of my reality.

I'm stuck emotionally and don't know how to get out of it. I'm afraid I'll just give up and stay stuck. I'm afraid my fear of risk is so great I won't venture out at all. I don't know what it is going to take to forgive myself for the choices I've made and the results of those choices. 


I want to get away from my routines right now, to escape the places I travel on an almost daily basis with all the reminders of the past. I want new challenges and opportunities.  But will I? Will I decide I'm just trying to run away and stay where I am? Will I find a way out only to find myself in a new rut of my own making? Or will I actually learn to risk again, to push past the fear and reach for more than just what I need to get through another day? I don't trust myself at all right now.