Trying to build something completely on my own is not going to work the way I want it to - I am making wrong assumptions about the foundation and about how things work. Which means my design will be faulty and I have had enough of that not to want to repeat the same mistake. So, I'm listening to the wisdom and experience of others. And I need to give myself a chance to figure out what I really want to build, and not expect the answers immediately. I also need to stop reaching for perfection. If I try to make everything perfect, I will never build anything. 

Back to the drawing board...
 

I was looking at some pictures on Facebook and came face to face (no pun intended) with history. I actually clicked on the picture when I spotted it in the album. I looked at the whole picture. And I felt..... nothing. No anger, no sadness, no regret, nothing but recognition of what that place used to mean to me. I'm thankful, so very thankful, for this. I know that tomorrow or some other day I may not be so calm and accepting. That's ok. Just the fact that I was tonight means I am moving on. And that I will get to my new destination and live my life there without regrets or bitterness. That is a relief.


And speaking of new destinations, the move is very close now. I'm starting to feel excited about it, about living in a new place without memories, without compromises in decor, in a space that is just the right size (and cost) for me. What a great beginning it will be!

I had a bit of a ride this weekend. For some reason, I seem to struggle and then to come out of it further ahead than I was just before the struggle started. Yesterday was tough. I don't miss what was wrecked. I miss what it represented to me. And today, when I look in my mind at what it really was, I don't have that skin-crawling feeling of horror, at least not all the time. This is progress. The truth was what it was. I didn't see it, or at least all of it, for a very long time. And when I did, I left. The end of the bad ride. 


I am dragging my feet somewhat as I approach my new destination. I am trying to figure out why. I may need help figuring it out as I have noticed it for a couple weeks now and haven't come up with anything. 


I am learning, however, to do the things I want to do and to have fun. I took Tuesday off 2 weeks ago and went to the beach with a friend. I am taking Tuesday and Wednesday off to see my favorite band and to play tourist in Boston with 2 friends. I am not fretting over not getting things done since there is no deadline - pressing or otherwise - that I have to meet. 


So, I need to finish the cleaning up here where I am now, move to the next destination, get settled into that and then start building MY park. What rides do I want in it? Who do I want to attract? Who stays and who goes? Big questions ahead. Which is my motivation to clean up so I can start answering them. I think the answers will be more enjoyable than this clean up. 

I can't remember my dreams from the past couple of nights. I hope that is a good thing. I'm on enough of a ride right now without the dreams adding to it. Just when I think I'm ready to move on, find a new ride, a new park, something from the old park and ride pass through my life and remind me of what used to be. I miss what I thought at the time was the good stuff and am still so very angry about the cracked foundation on which it all was built. 

The difference last night was my mind wouldn't let me stay in the past. It reminded me of what is better now and didn't let me stay stuck in the memories of the crash and injuries. Maybe I'm ready to find a new park and start a new foundation. I sure hope so. 


And I try to remember that grieving and moving on are processes and take time, with some setbacks occurring throughout both.

What my conscious mind does not want to work through my subconscious mind does. Though it seems to work in symbols rather than literal meaning. Sometimes just knowing the mind is processing and the heart/emotions don't have to become intensely involved is a relief. Today I was more angry than anything and I reminded myself to stop looking back at my past mistakes and the results of them. Actually, the results were not just of my mistakes but of someone else's mistakes combined with mine. And it is time to move forward, keeping the lessons and letting go of the unnecessary.

The move to a new location has begun in its literal sense as well. I will be moving this month. This is good. I am moving with plenty of time instead of hurrying out in a short amount of time. It is going to be exciting and frustrating, but so worth it in the end. To start over in a new place that is mine without memories or ghosts is a good thing.

I know there is stuff to write about but dealing with it is making me feel sad tonight. I just want to be done. I want to be left alone. I want to not be angry any longer. I want to learn the important stuff, forget the rest, and just move forward. It just doesn't seem to be happening that way right now.

Just when I think I've moved from recovery to discovery mode, I realize recovery is a longer process than I thought it would be. There have been some great "aha" moments this weekend but there have been some really tough ones too, where I longed for what was so much I could almost feel it. Thankfully, I have positioned myself where that is out of reach. No matter how much my emotions want it, my head knows it isn't good for me and won't let me try to seek it out.


I'm feeling the pull of the old, familiar, and comfortable against the excitement of the new and fresh potential of the future. I have no choice but to push forward, which is what I have been doing since late December. I don't fear the changes coming, I don't fear the future at all. But what I see from here based on what is now is not what I want. I will have to motivate myself to find ways to get what I want. Some of what I want is not just up to me, which is scary, too. It is easier for me when I am in control and it is just up to me. Not that much is really in my control, I just pretend it is.

Every time I think that ride is over, there is something still connecting me to it. Most recently, this has not been of my doing. I really want and need to be completely done with it. Most of the debris was picked up today and the pieces left will be dealt with very soon. Having the debris gone has not changed anything. I had hoped I would feel more free of the devastation and fallout from the crash. What I am actually feeling is the loss of what used to be my favorite ride, the regret I didn't check the foundation and structure better before spending so much time on that ride, and the unsettling feeling of being on my own. What I am going to build next will be done by me. I have family, friends, and my faith to support me. But the location, materials, decorations, etc., will all be of my choosing. I have never done this on my own. I know that I can and will do just fine, that I will take the time to find the right location, materials, etc., and not just leap at the first opportunity I find. It is a bit unsettling at times. 


And as I sit here and try to picture what that might look like, I realize my life won't really change that much. I will have a new sanctuary, a new favorite place to be. How I spend my time isn't going to magically change. If I want it to change, I have to engineer that, too. I no longer want to float, I want to paddle. Scary, but true. And to balance, because all paddle and no float would tire me out and I wouldn't be able to finish the trip.


I hope I can rest for the next leg of the journey tonight. That has not come easily this week.

A couple of rides are coming to a halt. One is only a faint shadow of what it used to be, but it is still good to get rid of the leftover pieces and parts that were part of the original ride, pieces and parts that are not mine any more. There are significant and life lasting souvenirs from that ride that I will cherish always. These can never be taken from me and I will never let go of them. The rest is useless and I'm so happy to be rid of it.


The other ride is the one that crashed to the ground. There are still parts and pieces of that ride that need to be taken away, and those should be gone tomorrow morning. There will be very little left of that ride, literally or figuratively. I have kept some pictures... for now. I can always get rid of them later. But those are the only real reminders. And they can be packed away or thrown away - whatever I want to do with them.


They say a man's home is his castle and I say a woman's home is her sanctuary. I am looking forward to finding and creating my new sanctuary. A place that is mine, all mine, and ONLY mine. That will be the next ride to build...