Just when I think I've moved from recovery to discovery mode, I realize recovery is a longer process than I thought it would be. There have been some great "aha" moments this weekend but there have been some really tough ones too, where I longed for what was so much I could almost feel it. Thankfully, I have positioned myself where that is out of reach. No matter how much my emotions want it, my head knows it isn't good for me and won't let me try to seek it out.


I'm feeling the pull of the old, familiar, and comfortable against the excitement of the new and fresh potential of the future. I have no choice but to push forward, which is what I have been doing since late December. I don't fear the changes coming, I don't fear the future at all. But what I see from here based on what is now is not what I want. I will have to motivate myself to find ways to get what I want. Some of what I want is not just up to me, which is scary, too. It is easier for me when I am in control and it is just up to me. Not that much is really in my control, I just pretend it is.