Every time I think that ride is over, there is something still connecting me to it. Most recently, this has not been of my doing. I really want and need to be completely done with it. Most of the debris was picked up today and the pieces left will be dealt with very soon. Having the debris gone has not changed anything. I had hoped I would feel more free of the devastation and fallout from the crash. What I am actually feeling is the loss of what used to be my favorite ride, the regret I didn't check the foundation and structure better before spending so much time on that ride, and the unsettling feeling of being on my own. What I am going to build next will be done by me. I have family, friends, and my faith to support me. But the location, materials, decorations, etc., will all be of my choosing. I have never done this on my own. I know that I can and will do just fine, that I will take the time to find the right location, materials, etc., and not just leap at the first opportunity I find. It is a bit unsettling at times. 


And as I sit here and try to picture what that might look like, I realize my life won't really change that much. I will have a new sanctuary, a new favorite place to be. How I spend my time isn't going to magically change. If I want it to change, I have to engineer that, too. I no longer want to float, I want to paddle. Scary, but true. And to balance, because all paddle and no float would tire me out and I wouldn't be able to finish the trip.


I hope I can rest for the next leg of the journey tonight. That has not come easily this week.