I have decided I don't want to be on a roller coaster. I am still recovering from the crash of the last one. I don't want to ever do that again. I just don't know where to go from here. I will move forward, I will not live in the rubble or the memories, that is for certain. I don't have any destination in mind other than as far away from the upheaval as I can get. I don't even know what I want after this. I keep forgetting how much time it takes to heal. The scrapes don't show any longer, but those deep bruises show up later and take much longer to go away.

My adventure was a turning point in many ways. I let go of a lot of emotions. I cried a lot of tears. The strength of a group of women of faith cannot ever be overestimated. The spiritual connection guided me through the narrow doorway into the next phase of this ride I am on, even as I am trying to rebuild my ride. 

The days that followed were good ones but as the week went on I struggled with doing the right thing for me, with letting go and detaching from the unhealthy things in my life. I did what I was told, though.

I listened to the wise voices in my life, especially since they all said the same things. And I continued to detach. I found it gets easier once the first big step is taken.

Every now and then I look at the rubble, just to remind myself of the good times on that ride. There were good times, many of them. And there are such good lessons I learned during the time that I will carry forward with me. 

But I have been thinking about the rebuilding process. Do I really want to build a roller coaster? Probably not. But what should I build? I have no idea... especially since life is a roller coaster no matter what I build.

The days never quite end the way they begin lately. I've learned to expect turbulence at any time. I've learned to accept sudden calm to follow intense emotion.  And I've learned that I'm really not building this ride on my own. I have such a team to help me - family, friends, coworkers, other supports in my life - that I cannot do anything else but succeed. I am proceeding carefully - more carefully than I ever have before. I'm paying more attention to the details within me and the details in the foundation that is being built. 

I am off on a 2-day adventure beginning this afternoon. I expect this adventure will provide the blueprints needed to build a solid, stable, and dependable foundation. I expect to receive some great ideas for building the rest of this ride as well. 

As for today, it has begun well. I feel better than I have in many weeks. I don't know how long this feeling will last but I plan to enjoy and celebrate it while I can. When it's gone, I will plow through whatever follows with determined steps. I will get through to the other side of this rubble and rubbish. I will find that place where light and love rule. And I will make my home, and my ride, there.

Today was somewhat the opposite of yesterday. It started out ok, got tough, but then got easier. The ride continues. I just have to get keep taking one step at a time, one day at a time. The ride is different every day. And the days turn into weeks and weeks turn into new phases in this path I am on. I get stronger. I make peace with the past. I mourn what was lost or what never was. I laugh. My sense of humor is coming back. I enjoy small moments to myself, the simplicity of my life right now. It will become complicated again at times. That's part of the ride. I'm better equipped to deal with the complications. And to return to the simplicity in a thankful space.

No songs today. Cher was going through my head earlier today. But it isn't quite time yet. Tonight, I'm going to enjoy the simplicity, ignore the complicated, pamper myself, and thank God for the many, many blessings I have. Especially the people around me who truly care. And who applaud the progress, who encourage when I can barely take a step, and who truly love.

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts Official Video

I was reminded today that it is still a roller coaster I am on, even while I try to build something from the rubble. And that I need to go with the flow of this ride as it will eventually wear itself out and I can regain control of the building process.

Below is yesterday's anthem. Today I am moving toward Cher's Strong Enough. But I'm not quite there yet. Maybe by the weekend!

It's starting to happen more and more. I am getting stronger. Just like the song. I know there will be tough moments ahead when I don't feel strong at all. Last night was tough. I just didn't want to do any of this. Not that I have a choice. I just wanted the promise of the old ride back. I wanted my old life back the way I thought it was, not the way it really was. But life doesn't work that way. And so I let God have it. I told him how angry I was, how hurt I was, and asked why. WHY??!!

I didn't get any specific answers. And I didn't sleep very well. I woke often. It took me a while to fall asleep. And when I woke this morning there was a very heavy feeling in my heart. I didn't want to go to church. I just wanted to take some advil PM and go to bed all day. 

But I didn't. I got dressed and went to church. I sang in the choir. I cried through the service. But I was there with friends and my church family. And I'm so glad I went. 

I went shopping after that. Got groceries for a few days. Didn't mind that I am back to shopping for myself only. Didn't feel embarrassed about a marriage that lasted longer than one year. Saw a lot of couples shopping today and I didn't care. It didn't hurt that I don't have someone special like that in my life. And I didn't worry about when I would or if I would ever again.

I spent the afternoon at a friend's house, catching her up on the latest in this coaster drama. Shed some tears, laughed about undramatic things. Learned to knit - again. Came home, and have been calm all evening. 

Last night I was ready to ride off the ends of the earth. Tonight, I'm pretty calm. And am glad I didn't fall off the edge of anything. 

I'm a little bit stronger.

I had thought I would give up the roller coaster and just build train tracks. Stay off the risky path... but then reality hit a little and I just wanted to ride the tracks all the way to the ends of the earth and fall off the edge into nothingness. The sadness can be so overwhelming. The total waste of love, time, potential, everything I gave...

The engineer of the train that fell down was here today. Trying to re-engineer something. I wasn't buying it. But I did, a little. Not that he could see, just enough I could feel a little hope of something good coming out of the rubble.

And then I did some digging. I found the REAL story. The untold truth. Again. There is always more - more lies, more cheating, more of me to try to break down. 

NO MORE. The engineer is not welcome here any more. I will not listen to anything he says. 

I'm not going to build anything of my own just yet. I'm going to sit with my materials, my plans, and wait. I'm going to wait for more ideas. For real hope, not false hopes. I'm going to wait until I know for sure WHAT I want to build. Maybe not a roller coaster. Nor a train. Maybe something that flies. I have always wanted to soar.

I didn't write much yesterday. It was a day of mourning. I needed to just be sad and to let go a little at a time, saying goodbye as I piled the rubble. I haven't lit the match yet, but I will soon. And that fire will burn brightly as a sign of new life to come.

Yesterday was tough. I fought tears all along the way. I had a very important appointment that got me started sorting through the rubble, organizing it so it will burn well when the time comes to light the match. 

Today was a little bit better. No songs on the radio to tempt me to believe the old lies. No communication to try to reel me back in. Friends checking on me every day. Work to occupy my time and thoughts. 

Not all the days ahead will go as easily as today did. There will be many more like yesterday. But I will continue to move forward, to organize the rubble and get ready to light the match. 

A little bit stronger. Here is gone.

A Little Bit Stronger - Sara Evans [w/ lyrics]

This is my anthem. For now. And probably for the coming weeks and at least a few months. A little stronger every day. A little smarter, wiser... oh wait, that is the next anthem - the one after this.

But I am getting stronger. I don't want to puke all the time. I don't want to cry all the time. I see the truth more clearly than the fairy tale I lived in. I don't hate. I'm sad. I probably always will be sad about this. The roller coaster I am burning was a good one in some places. It needed work on its foundation. Unfortunately, the work was never started and it collapsed with me on it. The work was not mine to do. The inspection was. But I won't regret the ride, the time, the love I shared. And I won't beat myself up for not looking closely enough, not seeing the cracks in the supports. 

I'll never ride again without a complete and detailed inspection. A little bit stronger. Then smarter, wiser... a fighter.

I am determined to build this one piece at a time. The foundation will be solid. And as I take control, yet let go and let God, the fear subsides. Sadness remains and will for a while. I rode that ride for 4 years. There were parts of that ride I will miss. I won't miss how it unexpectedly changed and threw me for loops I had no idea were coming. There is a wide line between trusting the ride is safe even when I'm not sure where it will take me and turning into a free fall into a pit of darkness from which there is no way out. Or a ride with pieces missing. Cars derail too easily when pieces are missing and people get hurt. 

I am going to keep going. One piece at a time. One day at a time. With my family and friends cheering me on. 

Changing the way I ride and write

The ugly truth about 2010 was revealed to me in early December. The ugly truth continued to roll out all month. And it broke my heart. It left my dreams in pieces so small they look like a pile of ash. Actually, my heart looks a little like that, too. But the thing about hearts is there is always a core that cannot be broken or damaged in any way. And this core is what is keeping me going. It is strengthened by my faith in God, and by the most wonderful, supportive, and intelligent friends I could ever hope for. Oh, and some sick humor, music lyrics, and my kids & granddaughters - not necessarily in that order! <3

2011 is going to be my year to shine. I have a lot of polishing to do because I let myself become quite tarnished. I trusted. I gave all to someone who gave nothing back but lies and pain. I am getting off that ride. I can't allow myself to be tarnished like that again. I am worth so much more. And thanks to my friends and family, I have come to see this clearly. Even God told me this today on my drive home. I heard Him. I, who rarely listen, HEARD HIM.

I'm going to listen and heed. I'm going to get out the rags and the polish and go to work. I'm going to write about my transformation in a positive, introspective light rather than the  scared, just cover the facts but barely way I usually do. I'm going to ride the roller coaster I choose. Not the broken one I rode for three years before buying it last year. I'm burning that one - burning it down to piles of ash that will become dust in the wind. 


I'm not sure what the new ride will look like. But I'm going to build it myself. And I'm going to pay attention to the foundation - pay very careful attention to those details. I'm going to build it slowly and patiently and purposefully. My way. Though I hope God will keep talking to me and I hope I keep listening. I want to use His blueprints.