I had thought I would give up the roller coaster and just build train tracks. Stay off the risky path... but then reality hit a little and I just wanted to ride the tracks all the way to the ends of the earth and fall off the edge into nothingness. The sadness can be so overwhelming. The total waste of love, time, potential, everything I gave...

The engineer of the train that fell down was here today. Trying to re-engineer something. I wasn't buying it. But I did, a little. Not that he could see, just enough I could feel a little hope of something good coming out of the rubble.

And then I did some digging. I found the REAL story. The untold truth. Again. There is always more - more lies, more cheating, more of me to try to break down. 

NO MORE. The engineer is not welcome here any more. I will not listen to anything he says. 

I'm not going to build anything of my own just yet. I'm going to sit with my materials, my plans, and wait. I'm going to wait for more ideas. For real hope, not false hopes. I'm going to wait until I know for sure WHAT I want to build. Maybe not a roller coaster. Nor a train. Maybe something that flies. I have always wanted to soar.