Not as much of a ride today. In fact, it was pretty calm. Shadows of my former life are in my head but I think that will end this weekend when the physical reminders are gone from my home. I have a plan for how to accomplish this that works for me. I have a plan to stay busy for most of the 3-day weekend, which is good, too. The summer weather and getting back to the gym are helping my mood. Sometimes it is good not to be going for a ride over and over and over....

The cycling continues... I dreamed about my old life this morning before I woke but added a new twist at the end. The ugly feelings from the old life stayed with me until someone pointed out it was probably my mind dealing with things. And when I revisited the twist, I realized it represented progress. 

I am hoping this weekend and the events that are scheduled put the final touches to burning down the old life. I really want to walk far, far away and not look back ever again. There are lessons I learned but I don't need to look back to see them. What I need to do is redefine the meaning of certain words and concepts: living a full life, learning to dream again, who am I, etc.

I gave up dreaming a long time ago. I'm not sure why. I am guessing I figured I would be practical. But without dreams, where did I think I would go? No dreams, no real goals, just getting by... That is not the way I want to live. 

I have a lot of work to do...

And the Ferris Wheel glides slowly to a stop, with my car at the bottom and I exit gracefully... or something like that. My morning was a bit rough and tears came to my eyes several times, and I cried when I got home from church.  Then I got to work on a large task - mowing both the back and front yards - and the tears were gone. Physical exertion and accomplishment do help a lot. I am learning just how much lately. And I will need to figure out how to include those into my life after I finish here in this house and get settled into the new home.

I also plan to return to the old routine of going to the gym after work as I think that helps a lot. After a 2 week hiatus, it is time for that discipline and exertion to return to my life.

I feel calmer. I did a lot of writing earlier, during and after the tears. I don't have new insights, but I do have new questions to ponder.

And so it goes...






 

Today's emotional roller coaster feels like a Ferris Wheel. The good news is I am feeling tbe bigger picture in this ride, not the specific to the last 6 months. More and more I am feeling like I did 10 years ago once I started picking up the pieces. Despite the mistakes of the past 4-1/2 years, I feel more confident now than I did then. But I also am even more cynical now than I was then.

How to change the big picture to a bigger life? That is the question I want answered. But I'm the only one who can answer it. And I have no idea where to start...

No voice today. I did figure out that I hear it more often when I read or listen to well-written material regularly. And when I have/make time to think such as driving in the car. 

Right now my focus has been on sorting, packing, and tossing stuff to get ready to move out of one home and into another.

The roller coaster is moving again and I don't know what ride I am on right now. The emotions are familiar but I cannot find the source(s). I'm not sure the source is even important.

I'm still searching for my voice today. I think it got lost in the noise of my emotions. I'm hoping tomorrow is quieter. 

There were a lot of emotions today. But some of them were so faint, they were almost unnoticeable. Soon they will fade away completely. I am looking forward to that. 

I realized how much I miss old routines but not specific people. I wonder if I can create new routines that meet the needs the old routines met. Or if I can find other things to meet other needs and the ones that are loud right now might fade and become lost just as the old feelings are fading away.

 

Today brought a different kind of roller coaster. My 16 year old is going to Spain for a month. Her flight leaves any minute now from Boston to Madrid and then she has another short flight to Alicante, where she will be staying. I'm nervous and excited for her at the same time. We tried to talk on the phone last night but she was somewhere the reception wasn't very good. I spoke with her this afternoon as they were leaving for the airport. She is a little nervous and getting excited. I'm glad she will have this opportunity and  scared for her safety so far away in a different culture. When we hung up, I wanted to cry. She will be gone for a month.

My "baby" who is 14-1/2 is going to the U.K. in July with a group. Since they speak English there, and he will be with a group, I am not as afraid for his safety. But it is still a long way away. He will be gone for about 3 weeks.

Parenting is NOT for sissies. 

Father's Day has been tough, too. I have nothing to celebrate and no one to celebrate with. It's just another day and one in which most of my friends are even more involved with family events than usual. Thankfully, I have a long to do list and the physical work does help significantly. I also took some time for me - I sat out in the backyard for about an hour reading and drinking a strawberry smoothie with rum. I still have quite a bit to do and most of it physical - sorting and packing books, then packing the car for my trip to CT tomorrow. 

I am taking great satisfaction from the work I am doing and the results of my efforts. The house is really starting to look as good as it can and the clutter is almost all gone. 

I have thought about my writing, what I want to say and how I want to say it and have come to the conclusion this blog is not the forum for the ideas that have been coming to mind lately. I will have to start another blog for that. 

I did wonder today, as I was shoveling up leaves, some of which were starting to turn into mulch on the back deck, why I am The Little Red Hen. Why do I like that role? Why do I take it on, letting everyone else off the hook? Wouldn't I be better off to work this hard with a partner, someone to be by my side, helping me or me helping him? Do I just want things done MY way? Am I trying to prove something? If so, to whom? Have I always been this way or is it more so since I moved to Maine? Is it the Yankee influence or the result of being a single parent with the burden of a dead marriage off me?

The Circle of Life... nice song from The Lion King. My song should be: The Circle of My Mind.

Today I just quietly walked away from that old ride, the old thoughts, and moved forward. I focused on my job during work hours, did errands on my lunch hour, and have been doing things here at home that need to be done. There have been thoughts in a direction that are a waste of time, but much less than yesterday and no emotional bouncing around was felt. 

I had a different ride this afternoon, though, as an offer was made on the house. We knew it was coming and expected it to be low. It was insultingly low. We countered, they gave their "best" offer. We refused. I would have had to be out of here in 3 weeks! I know I could have done it. Moe offered her place if I need a place to live. I probably could store a few things there, too, if I had to. I don't regret the refusal. Or the fact that I don't have to race to get out of here. It was fun and exciting for a short time. Just what I expect from a roller coaster! 

I went on an emotional ride today, but ended it quickly. I don't know what to think of my reaction to what I heard. I'm still easily misled - at least for a minute or two, which is why I have walked away and keep reminding myself to stop looking back. And I'm thankful I came to my senses almost immediately. I will be happier when there is no opportunity to connect ever again.

Interesting evening... out with friends to watch the hockey game. Memories behind everything, but not dragging me under. I knew intuitively how the game would end and what it would mean. And I remember all the many, many questions I asked as I learned about the game. Now it is just mine, this victory to celebrate. I can't help thinking it should have been so different tonight. I know this is exactly they way it is supposed to be. But I wish it wasn't. Yet I can handle that fact and only feel sad. There is no pain with these thoughts. Time does heal most wounds. Thank God for that.

Today has been a day of tiny ups and downs, more like swells on a lake on a calm day. I faced the knowledge there are things I miss living alone. There are always trade-offs. I don't want what I had, especially knowing fully what it was. This life is definitely better.

Switching Gears

When I wrote last night, I was trying to switch gears in my posts, trying to find my author voice. I didn't quite get there. Maybe the transition is going to take time.

I've decided to write this less cryptically and more like an observation of life - with a subtitle of The Ups and Downs of Life. It isn't especially original but it fits with where I want to go with my blogging. 

I'm inspired by Life's A Beach - how she captures so well the thoughts of then and now and expresses them so eloquently, commenting on life as it was and is. This will not be an echo of her writing. While I so greatly admire her style, it is not mine. I'm not sure what mine is any more, and that is what I hope to find out in the coming posts.

My mind is telling me to insert some witty comment here that will hint at that voice. But nothing specific is coming to mind. I used to be funny when I described my life as a stay at home mom with 4 kids. I still like to laugh, and look forward to a lot more laughter the rest of this year than I have experienced so far in 2011. But my thoughts and reflections are significantly different now, not just because I am working or because 2 of the children have graduated high school, or because they all moved out of my home a few years ago. I have experienced life the hard way the past 18 months or so, and especially the last 6 months. Thant cannot help but change my outlook and my voice.

It is now, in what is still the first quarter of my 49th year on this earth, that I feel I am finally an adult. I am making thoughtful and responsible decisions more often than I used to do. I am ready and willing to face the music for decisions I have made in the past 10 years. Of course, it helps that the plan that is in place right now seems to have the potential to take care of a lot of mistakes I made, especially financial ones. I am no longer allowing children to hold me down or back. I did that with my own children when I became a single parent years ago and I continued to do that when my own children moved away and I took on the responsibility (and beyond in some cases) of someone else's children in the role of stepmother. I am determined to make decisions from now on that will not tie me down. 

I feel I am ready to be an adult in other ways, too, such as finding things to do outside my home that I enjoy besides Goo Goo Dolls' concerts. I don't want to make up for "lost" time in my 20s when I didn't live as most 20 somethings do. I don't want to become a desperate middle aged woman trying to stay young, even though I feel that way at times. I neither need nor want to prove anything to anyone. I am able to start something and to see it through to completion without procrastinating so long I almost cannot finish what I started in the time I have to do so. 


I am still surprised when I remember that I am a grandmother. I certainly don't feel I look the part, even by modern pictures of grandparents these days. But neither am I cool and hip. I never have been and never will be, though I refuse to live my life as if it was still the 80s when I graduated high school and went to college. I will continue to move forward with technology, music, and fashion (to a point).


Yet I cherish the wisdom I have gained as a woman approaching 50, how it allows me to be less judgmental and more open-minded. I think more globally and long-term, though I probably will never drive a Prius. I hope to listen more and talk less (that is going to be a tough one!!!). After months of needing support and guidance, I want to be able to give back to my friends and family, too. I want to stop and smell the roses, or at least notice what is going on around me without being "that nosy old lady." 


Balance - oh boy, I am so not good at that concept in any way. I don't hike much because I am always afraid I am going to roll an ankle, fall, trip, or slip. Emotionally, I tend to be impulsive and then stubborn, and to camp out on the edges rather than in the middle. Sometimes I do see the glass as half full, but many times it is either full to the brim or the glass is not even in front of me. Maybe this is why I love roller coasters - I am either going up or going down, whipping around corners one way or another. Emotionally, I need to find another ride.

I'm really starting over now. I'm spending time sorting through 26 years of life, keeping what I want and getting rid of the rest. I will soon be packing up and moving to a new home - MY HOME. Literally, not just in my head and heart. 

I have learned much in the past months. I hope I can put the lessons into practice when needed. 

Balance has never been easy for me, which is one thing that makes roller coasters difficult for me to build. This is something I must work on once I have packed and unpacked. 

I'm expecting it will take all summer to completely move, unpack, and feel my new place is home. In the mean time, I'm learning how much I enjoy living alone. And I'm thinking about how I will spend my time after I am all settled into the new place.

I have been carrying around a feeling of sadness, sort of like the feeling after the buzz from a glass or two of wine has faded leaving a slight headache and the question, "Was it worth it?" Poignant is the word that comes to mind. The anger still flares, very bright at times, but it dies down quickly. The pain is muffled. Mostly I am mentally shaking my head at all that occurred. I feel sorry for the pain of others during this time, too. So many people were hurt. Some of them will be hurt again in the same way by the same person. But not by me.

I hope I am stronger, smarter, willing to keep my eyes open and not just my heart. Though I think my heart has become Snow White after she took a bite of the apple - in a deep sleep and encased in a glass casket.

I have been thinking like a writer at times. I've had themes for stories in my head. This has not occurred for many, many years. I hope my sense of humor in my writing returns, too. That was lost 10 years ago. I know I can find it if I look hard enough. 

I am looking for me. Who am I really? Who do I want to be? What do I want to do next? What do I want my life to look like? Who are the people I want in my life? What are the things - tangible and intangible - I want in my life? 

I attended a high school choral concert tonight - probably the first one in the 5 years the girls have lived in CT. Why did I never attend before? Were they on work nights? The memories I have missed. The experience of watching my children do something they love and recognizing them for their efforts cannot be underestimated. I cannot regain those times but I can make sure they aren't missed in the future.