Switching Gears

When I wrote last night, I was trying to switch gears in my posts, trying to find my author voice. I didn't quite get there. Maybe the transition is going to take time.

I've decided to write this less cryptically and more like an observation of life - with a subtitle of The Ups and Downs of Life. It isn't especially original but it fits with where I want to go with my blogging. 

I'm inspired by Life's A Beach - how she captures so well the thoughts of then and now and expresses them so eloquently, commenting on life as it was and is. This will not be an echo of her writing. While I so greatly admire her style, it is not mine. I'm not sure what mine is any more, and that is what I hope to find out in the coming posts.

My mind is telling me to insert some witty comment here that will hint at that voice. But nothing specific is coming to mind. I used to be funny when I described my life as a stay at home mom with 4 kids. I still like to laugh, and look forward to a lot more laughter the rest of this year than I have experienced so far in 2011. But my thoughts and reflections are significantly different now, not just because I am working or because 2 of the children have graduated high school, or because they all moved out of my home a few years ago. I have experienced life the hard way the past 18 months or so, and especially the last 6 months. Thant cannot help but change my outlook and my voice.

It is now, in what is still the first quarter of my 49th year on this earth, that I feel I am finally an adult. I am making thoughtful and responsible decisions more often than I used to do. I am ready and willing to face the music for decisions I have made in the past 10 years. Of course, it helps that the plan that is in place right now seems to have the potential to take care of a lot of mistakes I made, especially financial ones. I am no longer allowing children to hold me down or back. I did that with my own children when I became a single parent years ago and I continued to do that when my own children moved away and I took on the responsibility (and beyond in some cases) of someone else's children in the role of stepmother. I am determined to make decisions from now on that will not tie me down. 

I feel I am ready to be an adult in other ways, too, such as finding things to do outside my home that I enjoy besides Goo Goo Dolls' concerts. I don't want to make up for "lost" time in my 20s when I didn't live as most 20 somethings do. I don't want to become a desperate middle aged woman trying to stay young, even though I feel that way at times. I neither need nor want to prove anything to anyone. I am able to start something and to see it through to completion without procrastinating so long I almost cannot finish what I started in the time I have to do so. 


I am still surprised when I remember that I am a grandmother. I certainly don't feel I look the part, even by modern pictures of grandparents these days. But neither am I cool and hip. I never have been and never will be, though I refuse to live my life as if it was still the 80s when I graduated high school and went to college. I will continue to move forward with technology, music, and fashion (to a point).


Yet I cherish the wisdom I have gained as a woman approaching 50, how it allows me to be less judgmental and more open-minded. I think more globally and long-term, though I probably will never drive a Prius. I hope to listen more and talk less (that is going to be a tough one!!!). After months of needing support and guidance, I want to be able to give back to my friends and family, too. I want to stop and smell the roses, or at least notice what is going on around me without being "that nosy old lady." 


Balance - oh boy, I am so not good at that concept in any way. I don't hike much because I am always afraid I am going to roll an ankle, fall, trip, or slip. Emotionally, I tend to be impulsive and then stubborn, and to camp out on the edges rather than in the middle. Sometimes I do see the glass as half full, but many times it is either full to the brim or the glass is not even in front of me. Maybe this is why I love roller coasters - I am either going up or going down, whipping around corners one way or another. Emotionally, I need to find another ride.