I'm really starting over now. I'm spending time sorting through 26 years of life, keeping what I want and getting rid of the rest. I will soon be packing up and moving to a new home - MY HOME. Literally, not just in my head and heart. 

I have learned much in the past months. I hope I can put the lessons into practice when needed. 

Balance has never been easy for me, which is one thing that makes roller coasters difficult for me to build. This is something I must work on once I have packed and unpacked. 

I'm expecting it will take all summer to completely move, unpack, and feel my new place is home. In the mean time, I'm learning how much I enjoy living alone. And I'm thinking about how I will spend my time after I am all settled into the new place.

I have been carrying around a feeling of sadness, sort of like the feeling after the buzz from a glass or two of wine has faded leaving a slight headache and the question, "Was it worth it?" Poignant is the word that comes to mind. The anger still flares, very bright at times, but it dies down quickly. The pain is muffled. Mostly I am mentally shaking my head at all that occurred. I feel sorry for the pain of others during this time, too. So many people were hurt. Some of them will be hurt again in the same way by the same person. But not by me.

I hope I am stronger, smarter, willing to keep my eyes open and not just my heart. Though I think my heart has become Snow White after she took a bite of the apple - in a deep sleep and encased in a glass casket.

I have been thinking like a writer at times. I've had themes for stories in my head. This has not occurred for many, many years. I hope my sense of humor in my writing returns, too. That was lost 10 years ago. I know I can find it if I look hard enough. 

I am looking for me. Who am I really? Who do I want to be? What do I want to do next? What do I want my life to look like? Who are the people I want in my life? What are the things - tangible and intangible - I want in my life? 

I attended a high school choral concert tonight - probably the first one in the 5 years the girls have lived in CT. Why did I never attend before? Were they on work nights? The memories I have missed. The experience of watching my children do something they love and recognizing them for their efforts cannot be underestimated. I cannot regain those times but I can make sure they aren't missed in the future.