I finally got tired of the whole idea of living a roller coaster. I don't want to build anything. I just want to love and enjoy what I have so that I have what I enjoy and love.

So now I know I am not the only one feeling like this. The exact feelings are probably different, and we would probably choose different words to describe it. But overall, it is about relationships and being in them.

Lately I have felt like pulling away from all of them. But I won't let myself do that. If I did, it would be the end of me. It would be surrendering to the despair. For now there is one small shred of strength that keeps me holding on.

The strength was fed this weekend. The relevance was reinforced by those I need most in my life. Now to do the work that is needed to do - research, gearing up for big changes, probably moving sometime later this year.

Ironic, though, that which calms me also allows me a way to escape the tough decisions and work that is needed to move forward.

It feels more like a Ferris Wheel than a Roller Coaster right now.

It has been easier to be healthy than to be joyful lately. It feels good, really good, to eat healthy food, to go to the gym again, to feel my muscles getting stronger and my clothes less tight. The time I am at the gym is time I am not just sitting in my home with the TV on for background noise while I try to escape my perception of my reality.

I'm stuck emotionally and don't know how to get out of it. I'm afraid I'll just give up and stay stuck. I'm afraid my fear of risk is so great I won't venture out at all. I don't know what it is going to take to forgive myself for the choices I've made and the results of those choices. 


I want to get away from my routines right now, to escape the places I travel on an almost daily basis with all the reminders of the past. I want new challenges and opportunities.  But will I? Will I decide I'm just trying to run away and stay where I am? Will I find a way out only to find myself in a new rut of my own making? Or will I actually learn to risk again, to push past the fear and reach for more than just what I need to get through another day? I don't trust myself at all right now.

I heard this song on my iPod while I was at the gym today and decided it was very fitting for where I am and where I'm going in my life right now. I've just spent almost 20 minutes trying to find it on YouTube. There is one with anime pics and all the rest are covers by people recording from their computer. So.... anime it will be. If you want to read the lyrics, go to azlyrics.com and look it up. It's on the album Feels So Good.

The things I need and want to do are simple. But not easy. I catch myself in old thought and feeling patterns that bring me down. When I recognize the patterns, I stop and crawl out of the hole I've created. Some days recognition comes quickly. On some days I feel like Sisyphus.  

More and more I re-realize it is up to me to create the reality I want. It is not going to just drop into my lap. After almost 50 years of being passive, of letting life happen to me or of just letting it happen without providing much guidance, this is a huge habit to break. 

Today I made several steps toward the life I want. And that feels good.

I continue to work on the habit of joy. Most of the time, when my eyes fill with tears, I remember to think of all the wonderful things in my life and around me and the tears go away. Yesterday, though, I couldn't shake the old feelings. They weren't as strong, but I couldn't quite find the joy. Around 4 pm I got a phone call from someone I never want to speak to again. Being caught off guard, I didn't respond as I wish I had, though I don't regret the response I made. Next time, I'll just hang up right away.


The good news in all this is while the first emotional response was disgust and nausea, that faded and I didn't spend the rest of my day dwelling on the past. I pulled myself together and put myself back on the path of finding joy until I found it. Hopefully contact will soon be virtually impossible.


Today I stayed home. My head ached, I felt a cold coming on, and I just couldn't face work. I watched a lot of HGTV and crocheted. I ate mostly healthy and thought about family, work, friends, and other crochet projects I want to work on. I found myself again. Slowly the fear of living in fear is fading. I am taking the risks I can now and will take others when I have the opportunity. One day at a time. One moment of joy at a time.

2012 Solutions


1. Be joyful
2. Be healthy


So far, the joyful part is happening. And good things are starting to fall into place again. I'm waiting the final outcome and will write about that when it happens. For now, it is good to challenge the tears and the habit of allowing sadness to be my baseline. I have much to be thankful for and I am reminded of that daily.  I am focusing on being joyful - seeing the beauty in the day, enjoying what I am doing, loving the life I am creating. Focusing on the joy allows me to continue to let go of the anger and other poisonous emotions that still linger.


The healthy is taking longer because I have been making other choices. But the choices I am making are better than they would have been if this were not a solution. And I will continue to improve my choices and my health in the days and weeks to come.

New Year's Eve felt anticlimactic. I was babysitting the 3 granddaughters. It was a calm and mostly uneventful evening. I waited to hear the "click" of the door closing after the countdown to 2012 began but I never heard it. I think I heard it a few days earlier and I was just biding my time to start this year.


Day 2 and things are going well. My plans for the weekend changed. I ended up driving the college student back to campus, accompanied by her sister. We drove back to CT this morning and now I am home. I chose to focus on the positives of this change - more time with my girls, travel, and the free time I had for it. I had no major plans for yesterday afternoon and evening nor for today.


I find myself close to tears often, but am challenging that. I try to figure out why I feel like crying. I will no longer cave to the old habits of feeling sorry for myself. I am seeking the joy in life. I am creating the foundation to feel the things I want to feel - secure, loved, at peace. When I catch myself in old thinking patterns, I stop and concentrate on the joy in my life RIGHT NOW. I will no longer live for the future, but am living each day as it comes. I am not concerned with what I do not have in life right now, I am focusing on what I do have. And I have a lot!

• children and grandchildren who love me and enjoy time with me
• my mother, brothers, aunts, uncles, & cousins all who are only a FB post or phone call away
• friends who love me and who want to see me happy
• a church full of people I love and who love me
• a job I love
• an apartment that is mine - my decor, my stuff, my choices, mine to rearrange, my sanctuary
• reliable transportation - for work, to visit my family, to shop, to go out with friends
• enough money to pay the bills, buy groceries, buy clothes, travel to see my family, and some to give back to my community
• the strength to go on no matter what - and the many supports online that are helping me learn how to become the person I want to be

I am free to make mistakes and learn from them; to spend my time the way I choose; to find new interests, hobbies, activities; to eat healthier and to get back to regular exercise and physical activity; to pamper myself when I choose; to love myself for who I am.


I recently read a blog where the author used the word "solutions" instead of resolutions for her New Year's list. I really like that idea. And I reminded myself it is not my calling to be perfect, but to be loving and faithful. So, my Solutions for 2012:


1. Be joyful
2. Be healthy


That's it. One step at a time. I will continue to change my thinking to focus on being happy with what I have, taking care of my responsibilities (financially mostly), and to make a habit of eating healthy (healthier) and exercising daily - even if just to stretch.  Everything else will fall into place.

It is almost time to close the door on 2011, thank God. Literally. This year has been a mess from start to finish. In 2012 I will have a clearer understanding of who I am and who I want to be. I will communicate my wants, needs, and boundaries. This is going to be a year of joy. I will make it so.

My emotions have been up and down this week. I'm not sure why. I'm not sad (that I can tell) but tears are close to the surface every day. I continue to do a lot of thinking about what I want and how I'm going to get it. And about how to not live in the past. 


While driving today, I realized part of me wants what I thought I had last year because I think that was the best me I could be. I want that security, sense of peace (when I had it - that was a crap shoot for good reasons), and comfort in my own skin. 


AND THEN IT HIT ME. Oh dear lord, did it hit me. That security, sense of peace, and comfort will not be found with someone else. I need to find it, create it, nourish it, ON MY OWN. 


I used to know that. In fact, in mid to late 2006, I had finally accepted my life as it was and stopped looking for something external to make it better. Then I met someone and thought he was my reward for getting to acceptance. 


Except I then threw out all the lessons I had learned and focused on what I wanted from a relationship. I made sure I saw what I wanted to see and felt what I wanted to feel without checking reality. And did I let myself be duped. Anyway.... back to the lesson. I guess I need to do everything twice just to learn it once. Because I sure made a lot of the same mistakes establishing that relationship that I made 25 years before. 


So instead of just feeling like an idiot who should have known better, I'm working on accepting who I am. I've actually come a long way this year. And now I realize I need to find the missing pieces from inside me. There's only one problem: I don't know how. YET.


I have to admit that once I realized this truth - that I had to create that feeling myself - my reaction was, "Oh fuck!" Yes, I actually said that out loud as I was driving. No one else was in the car with me. That was probably a good thing. 


So now I have 2 days to set myself up for the journey. I am determined to close the door on the pain of 2011 and not look back starting at midnight, just as the New Year arrives. I will look forward to my future and to creating the life I want. I have a lot of re-thinking to do to break old patterns. But I will break those patterns. And 2012 will be a beautiful year.

I continue to work on letting go. It will take time and effort to change habits of thought and feeling that have been in place for decades. But I am so much calmer than I would be had I not realized the family issue is not my issue. And I continue to stop myself when I try to retreat into old thoughts, what-ifs, and feelings of dread and despair. When I find myself doing that, I remind myself I AM FREE of all of that. My life is so much better than it was before. I look back to a year ago and all the emotional pain I was in and I am thankful to have worked through that and come out the other side. When the old dread and/or despair hit, I remind myself that is not a feeling pertinent to my current life. I force myself to let go of the weight and float with the freedom. 


Life still brings ups and downs, twists and turns. I'm just not going to enhance the ride any more. This is a great way to end 2011 and to start a new and better year in 2012.

My brain is trying to hold onto ideas and memories that should be set free. My heart seems more comfortable in pieces than intact. I've had enough of this cycle and am now going to change things. No more letting fear rule and  control me. No more feeling sorry for myself. 


One of my greatest strengths is also a great weakness. I adapt well to change. I don't always like change, but I "suck it up" and adapt to it. So I've walked away from all the tough times in the past 10 years and have grown stronger. But if I hadn't adapted well to the crappy conditions I allowed for myself, I never would have had those tough times. 


Getting angry at others for being who and what they are is not helpful. Getting angry with myself for not seeing the truth long before it finally hit me is not helpful. Both of those just cloud the issue and keep me from seeing the way out of those damn labyrinths. And I kept going in circles. Circles are for race car drivers. I'm all done with that.

better late than never

The memories of yesterday's drama hit me almost as soon as I woke. I went round and round trying out conversations in my head with many of the people involved. And then it FINALLY hit me. It is not my job to rush in and fix things, to try to get people to see the other's opinion, do the right thing, teach someone how to do something, etc. So I AM NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS. I am going to celebrate Christmas with one side on Friday and with the other side on Saturday. I'm not going to address this issue myself. I will listen. I will just listen. And I will let it go. 


I love each of them, but I just cannot participate in this any more.

Fractured family tales. On Christmas Day. I don't know how to respond. I'm tense, my stomach is in knots, I just want to run away from the mess. I'm already 200 miles away from it and it isn't far enough. When the going gets tough, I always want to run far enough to avoid it. But I don't run. I stay. And think. And pray sometimes. And try to get everyone to just get along. And hope for the best, that everything will work out. I think about life, about how people live in the US right now, how emotional evolution seems to have devolved over the past 30 years or so. And I become very cynical and critical and disgusted. I retreat into my comfort zone (crocheting, TV or movies, FB, reading - anything to remove the reality and pain) until I feel more like myself. Or until someone contacts me. Whichever comes first. 


I really hate this year.

I haven't had much to say lately. Life - the routine of it - got busy. And when it wasn't busy, I filled the time with things I wanted to do. 


But I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I've come to some conclusions:

• I don't want to ride roller coasters any more. 
• I've spent too much time in the past.
• I think too much.

I spent November being thankful for the many blessings in my life. I want to spend 2012 being joyful. 

Oh my goodness, irony can be hilarious. Karma continues to take a turn as time goes by. Even if nothing comes of this new wrinkle, and I honestly don't expect much from it, the ride will be worth it. I'm recognizing defects in my plans before I even put them into place now, which is a big step forward. I just need to have a little more patience while I find the right materials instead of trying to rush the decisions.  For now, I'm keeping my options open, looking at plans, materials, etc., and pretty much waiting for 2012 before moving onto the next phase. 

I have seen visual reminders of the past more frequently in the last week or two. I believe this is a result of the karma incident - a new address, new traffic patterns, etc. What is curious is the times of the reminders - times that those reminders shouldn't happen if the old work schedule is still in place. Whatever the reasons, I remain so very VERY thankful that I have stayed free of my old thought patterns. The reminders mean nothing to me. They sometimes result in casual curiosity - isn't this a work night? - but beyond that, I just don't care. 


Tonight is Halloween. For the first time in 19-20 years, I am home alone and have no children around in any way. I have decorated the apartment with a few things as I intend to celebrate the holidays I love. But when it came time to dress for work, I completely forgot about my Halloween earrings, and wearing black or orange or even fall colors. I never enjoyed being out with the kids, especially in Maine where it tends to be cold. I did enjoy handing out candy. Though the numbers of kids at the house dwindled significantly in the recent years. I'm glad my granddaughters were out with their parents. And that I am home in my warm apartment.


I am looking forward to Thanksgiving; some of the kids should be here. Christmas could still be tricky, but I will manage. I plan to enjoy the rest of this year and to get ready to blossom in 2012. 20 and 12 are two of my favorite numbers.

There was a moment this week when I felt all the internal stress of the old completely break apart, leaving me feeling so much lighter inside and more carefree than I have been in a very long time. What a relief to lose all that stress. It was a combination of anger, hurt, disappointment, embarrassment, self doubt, and other emotions; and it weighed on me more than I realized until it was gone. 

This all occurred following a comment someone made to me about karma related to the crash. I made an assumption about what that meant, thought things through, and then turned it into a presumption. I don't care what the end result of that karma and that situation is any longer. I realize that I made mistakes and overlooked things I wish I hadn't, but it was not about me after all. I knew that with my head but not with my heart. Now I know it with my heart, too.

So the work continues as I shore up the places of self doubt with self worth. I have learned so much this year and have grown so strong. I have promised myself I will never again give away my strength. I worked too hard to gain it back and if someone is asking me to let it go, that person will be let go instead.

And I am no longer looking back at all. I am holding my head high and moving forward, still learning and researching, building a new structure through a new life and lifestyle. I like this new start!

Forgiveness remains triumphant even as it is tried and tested by my own mind and the actions of others. I am thankful I see the wisdom in forgiveness so that I don't go back to dark places that I have already left behind at least once. 


There are still ups and downs in my life, but the sources vary. That's just the nature of life as I experience it. So far, there have not been big ascents nor descents in the past few months even when I have taken steps outside my comfort zone.


My latest project is trying to integrate reality with perception. This is a big project that actually requires a lot of demolition of perception to make room for reality. What surprises me is how negative the perception piece is and how positive the reality is. Most of my choices in the past resulted in that being reversed. There is some construction as I use the newly cleared space to look for new opportunities and create a bigger reality. The results are truly beautiful.

Life after forgiveness means not letting the anger and bitterness creep back in and stay. I have decided to not build anything right now. I'm just going to enjoy what others have built and figure out what it is I want. I've done the research and know what I need to do to build a better foundation, one that is strong and long lasting. But I'm not ready to start construction just yet. I want to take some time to look around and enjoy my surroundings rather than study them and concentrate only on work.

I've spent so many years with my head down, trying to plow through all I had to do  - whether I had to do it or just thought I had to do it - that I want to spend some time now with my head up, looking around and sampling what is available. Adventure is not a big part of my personality. I don't chase it, crave it, or need a lot of it in my life. However, now that I have the opportunity to see what is out there in life, I am going to take it. I am not responsible for anyone else now and I am going to enjoy myself.

I have started by adding 2 new things to my weekly routine. I will add more as I find opportunities that match my interests and schedule. I'm thinking about a new direction; I will need to do more research and figure out if it is really something that will bring the benefits I am seeking to my life and bottom line.

I am also focusing on cleaning up the things that linger from choices I have made as an adult. I had a new slate about 10 years ago and didn't often act wisely in some areas.  I want to improve in those areas, especially since improvement will allow me to achieve dreams I have  that will not be possible otherwise.

I guess I'm finally growing up!