It is almost time to close the door on 2011, thank God. Literally. This year has been a mess from start to finish. In 2012 I will have a clearer understanding of who I am and who I want to be. I will communicate my wants, needs, and boundaries. This is going to be a year of joy. I will make it so.

My emotions have been up and down this week. I'm not sure why. I'm not sad (that I can tell) but tears are close to the surface every day. I continue to do a lot of thinking about what I want and how I'm going to get it. And about how to not live in the past. 


While driving today, I realized part of me wants what I thought I had last year because I think that was the best me I could be. I want that security, sense of peace (when I had it - that was a crap shoot for good reasons), and comfort in my own skin. 


AND THEN IT HIT ME. Oh dear lord, did it hit me. That security, sense of peace, and comfort will not be found with someone else. I need to find it, create it, nourish it, ON MY OWN. 


I used to know that. In fact, in mid to late 2006, I had finally accepted my life as it was and stopped looking for something external to make it better. Then I met someone and thought he was my reward for getting to acceptance. 


Except I then threw out all the lessons I had learned and focused on what I wanted from a relationship. I made sure I saw what I wanted to see and felt what I wanted to feel without checking reality. And did I let myself be duped. Anyway.... back to the lesson. I guess I need to do everything twice just to learn it once. Because I sure made a lot of the same mistakes establishing that relationship that I made 25 years before. 


So instead of just feeling like an idiot who should have known better, I'm working on accepting who I am. I've actually come a long way this year. And now I realize I need to find the missing pieces from inside me. There's only one problem: I don't know how. YET.


I have to admit that once I realized this truth - that I had to create that feeling myself - my reaction was, "Oh fuck!" Yes, I actually said that out loud as I was driving. No one else was in the car with me. That was probably a good thing. 


So now I have 2 days to set myself up for the journey. I am determined to close the door on the pain of 2011 and not look back starting at midnight, just as the New Year arrives. I will look forward to my future and to creating the life I want. I have a lot of re-thinking to do to break old patterns. But I will break those patterns. And 2012 will be a beautiful year.

I continue to work on letting go. It will take time and effort to change habits of thought and feeling that have been in place for decades. But I am so much calmer than I would be had I not realized the family issue is not my issue. And I continue to stop myself when I try to retreat into old thoughts, what-ifs, and feelings of dread and despair. When I find myself doing that, I remind myself I AM FREE of all of that. My life is so much better than it was before. I look back to a year ago and all the emotional pain I was in and I am thankful to have worked through that and come out the other side. When the old dread and/or despair hit, I remind myself that is not a feeling pertinent to my current life. I force myself to let go of the weight and float with the freedom. 


Life still brings ups and downs, twists and turns. I'm just not going to enhance the ride any more. This is a great way to end 2011 and to start a new and better year in 2012.

My brain is trying to hold onto ideas and memories that should be set free. My heart seems more comfortable in pieces than intact. I've had enough of this cycle and am now going to change things. No more letting fear rule and  control me. No more feeling sorry for myself. 


One of my greatest strengths is also a great weakness. I adapt well to change. I don't always like change, but I "suck it up" and adapt to it. So I've walked away from all the tough times in the past 10 years and have grown stronger. But if I hadn't adapted well to the crappy conditions I allowed for myself, I never would have had those tough times. 


Getting angry at others for being who and what they are is not helpful. Getting angry with myself for not seeing the truth long before it finally hit me is not helpful. Both of those just cloud the issue and keep me from seeing the way out of those damn labyrinths. And I kept going in circles. Circles are for race car drivers. I'm all done with that.

better late than never

The memories of yesterday's drama hit me almost as soon as I woke. I went round and round trying out conversations in my head with many of the people involved. And then it FINALLY hit me. It is not my job to rush in and fix things, to try to get people to see the other's opinion, do the right thing, teach someone how to do something, etc. So I AM NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS. I am going to celebrate Christmas with one side on Friday and with the other side on Saturday. I'm not going to address this issue myself. I will listen. I will just listen. And I will let it go. 


I love each of them, but I just cannot participate in this any more.

Fractured family tales. On Christmas Day. I don't know how to respond. I'm tense, my stomach is in knots, I just want to run away from the mess. I'm already 200 miles away from it and it isn't far enough. When the going gets tough, I always want to run far enough to avoid it. But I don't run. I stay. And think. And pray sometimes. And try to get everyone to just get along. And hope for the best, that everything will work out. I think about life, about how people live in the US right now, how emotional evolution seems to have devolved over the past 30 years or so. And I become very cynical and critical and disgusted. I retreat into my comfort zone (crocheting, TV or movies, FB, reading - anything to remove the reality and pain) until I feel more like myself. Or until someone contacts me. Whichever comes first. 


I really hate this year.

I haven't had much to say lately. Life - the routine of it - got busy. And when it wasn't busy, I filled the time with things I wanted to do. 


But I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I've come to some conclusions:

• I don't want to ride roller coasters any more. 
• I've spent too much time in the past.
• I think too much.

I spent November being thankful for the many blessings in my life. I want to spend 2012 being joyful. 

Oh my goodness, irony can be hilarious. Karma continues to take a turn as time goes by. Even if nothing comes of this new wrinkle, and I honestly don't expect much from it, the ride will be worth it. I'm recognizing defects in my plans before I even put them into place now, which is a big step forward. I just need to have a little more patience while I find the right materials instead of trying to rush the decisions.  For now, I'm keeping my options open, looking at plans, materials, etc., and pretty much waiting for 2012 before moving onto the next phase. 

I have seen visual reminders of the past more frequently in the last week or two. I believe this is a result of the karma incident - a new address, new traffic patterns, etc. What is curious is the times of the reminders - times that those reminders shouldn't happen if the old work schedule is still in place. Whatever the reasons, I remain so very VERY thankful that I have stayed free of my old thought patterns. The reminders mean nothing to me. They sometimes result in casual curiosity - isn't this a work night? - but beyond that, I just don't care. 


Tonight is Halloween. For the first time in 19-20 years, I am home alone and have no children around in any way. I have decorated the apartment with a few things as I intend to celebrate the holidays I love. But when it came time to dress for work, I completely forgot about my Halloween earrings, and wearing black or orange or even fall colors. I never enjoyed being out with the kids, especially in Maine where it tends to be cold. I did enjoy handing out candy. Though the numbers of kids at the house dwindled significantly in the recent years. I'm glad my granddaughters were out with their parents. And that I am home in my warm apartment.


I am looking forward to Thanksgiving; some of the kids should be here. Christmas could still be tricky, but I will manage. I plan to enjoy the rest of this year and to get ready to blossom in 2012. 20 and 12 are two of my favorite numbers.

There was a moment this week when I felt all the internal stress of the old completely break apart, leaving me feeling so much lighter inside and more carefree than I have been in a very long time. What a relief to lose all that stress. It was a combination of anger, hurt, disappointment, embarrassment, self doubt, and other emotions; and it weighed on me more than I realized until it was gone. 

This all occurred following a comment someone made to me about karma related to the crash. I made an assumption about what that meant, thought things through, and then turned it into a presumption. I don't care what the end result of that karma and that situation is any longer. I realize that I made mistakes and overlooked things I wish I hadn't, but it was not about me after all. I knew that with my head but not with my heart. Now I know it with my heart, too.

So the work continues as I shore up the places of self doubt with self worth. I have learned so much this year and have grown so strong. I have promised myself I will never again give away my strength. I worked too hard to gain it back and if someone is asking me to let it go, that person will be let go instead.

And I am no longer looking back at all. I am holding my head high and moving forward, still learning and researching, building a new structure through a new life and lifestyle. I like this new start!

Forgiveness remains triumphant even as it is tried and tested by my own mind and the actions of others. I am thankful I see the wisdom in forgiveness so that I don't go back to dark places that I have already left behind at least once. 


There are still ups and downs in my life, but the sources vary. That's just the nature of life as I experience it. So far, there have not been big ascents nor descents in the past few months even when I have taken steps outside my comfort zone.


My latest project is trying to integrate reality with perception. This is a big project that actually requires a lot of demolition of perception to make room for reality. What surprises me is how negative the perception piece is and how positive the reality is. Most of my choices in the past resulted in that being reversed. There is some construction as I use the newly cleared space to look for new opportunities and create a bigger reality. The results are truly beautiful.

Life after forgiveness means not letting the anger and bitterness creep back in and stay. I have decided to not build anything right now. I'm just going to enjoy what others have built and figure out what it is I want. I've done the research and know what I need to do to build a better foundation, one that is strong and long lasting. But I'm not ready to start construction just yet. I want to take some time to look around and enjoy my surroundings rather than study them and concentrate only on work.

I've spent so many years with my head down, trying to plow through all I had to do  - whether I had to do it or just thought I had to do it - that I want to spend some time now with my head up, looking around and sampling what is available. Adventure is not a big part of my personality. I don't chase it, crave it, or need a lot of it in my life. However, now that I have the opportunity to see what is out there in life, I am going to take it. I am not responsible for anyone else now and I am going to enjoy myself.

I have started by adding 2 new things to my weekly routine. I will add more as I find opportunities that match my interests and schedule. I'm thinking about a new direction; I will need to do more research and figure out if it is really something that will bring the benefits I am seeking to my life and bottom line.

I am also focusing on cleaning up the things that linger from choices I have made as an adult. I had a new slate about 10 years ago and didn't often act wisely in some areas.  I want to improve in those areas, especially since improvement will allow me to achieve dreams I have  that will not be possible otherwise.

I guess I'm finally growing up!

It finally happened. I truly forgave. I let go of the anger, hurt, and desire to hurt back. I cried as I let go, but I feel so much better. I feel so free. I feel so light. I feel the light. I feel ready to move on. I am moving on. I have moved on. I will continue to move on. I pushed old thoughts away today less frequently and with more ease than ever before. I am concentrating on ME, my life, my wants, my decisions.

The future feels promising for the first time in a very long time.

Now that almost everything is out of the old place and most of what I am keeping is in the new place, I am surprised how good I feel, how comfortable life is right now. Yes, there are moments of pain and tears. The pain is dull and hollow, the tears don't usually fall, and it all passes fairly quickly. The intensity of grief has softened into the beginnings of hope for the future. Sometimes this still surprises me, how the hope grows like new growth after a fire.


I'm also a little surprised at how I am choosing to spend my time right now. Most of the work at the old place is done. I stop by daily to get the mail, to check on the place, and sometimes to do one of the few remaining tasks I have to do there. I spend more time at the new place doing things I want to do. I don't mind the quiet life I am building here. I don't think this is how I want to spend the rest of my life, but as I continue to heal from the wounds of the fall, I am choosing to rehabilitate in this cozy place, filled with things I am choosing to keep in my life, decorated in colors I have chosen and that I enjoy.


I need to be less sedentary and still have plenty to sort through and put away or rearrange. I want to get back to exercising as much as possible and at least 3 times/week.

I have moved out of the old place completely. There are a few things still to empty out but most of it is gone and most of what I am taking with me is here. I continue to study my options, figure out what I want to build, what materials to use, how I want it to look, etc.  I look back less often every week. The future still holds excitement and promise but is right around the corner now instead of being somewhere still too far to see. Reminders of the past don't cause sharp pain any longer. There are still more changes to come - some by my own design, some by others' designs, but I know I will continue to adapt to what life brings. I intend to take more control of my life and be less passive and accepting about what others try to put on me. I plan to spend the rest of 2011 studying plans, trying out some new things, and then getting ready to fly in 2012.

I've been challenging my assumptions on foundations - mine and others. This has been unsettling, yet I know that it is proof of progress in my growth and learning. I'm starting to believe in my own strength and resiliency even as I grow tired of how strong and resilient I feel I have had to be. I'm trying not to look too far into the process of building. I still have a lot of foundation work to be done.

I have fewer setbacks and steps backward. I am learning to live each day as it comes and not to ignore the present while hoping for the future of my dreams. That's how I missed the cracks in the foundations of my past.

Onward and upward...

Trying to build something completely on my own is not going to work the way I want it to - I am making wrong assumptions about the foundation and about how things work. Which means my design will be faulty and I have had enough of that not to want to repeat the same mistake. So, I'm listening to the wisdom and experience of others. And I need to give myself a chance to figure out what I really want to build, and not expect the answers immediately. I also need to stop reaching for perfection. If I try to make everything perfect, I will never build anything. 

Back to the drawing board...
 

I was looking at some pictures on Facebook and came face to face (no pun intended) with history. I actually clicked on the picture when I spotted it in the album. I looked at the whole picture. And I felt..... nothing. No anger, no sadness, no regret, nothing but recognition of what that place used to mean to me. I'm thankful, so very thankful, for this. I know that tomorrow or some other day I may not be so calm and accepting. That's ok. Just the fact that I was tonight means I am moving on. And that I will get to my new destination and live my life there without regrets or bitterness. That is a relief.


And speaking of new destinations, the move is very close now. I'm starting to feel excited about it, about living in a new place without memories, without compromises in decor, in a space that is just the right size (and cost) for me. What a great beginning it will be!

I had a bit of a ride this weekend. For some reason, I seem to struggle and then to come out of it further ahead than I was just before the struggle started. Yesterday was tough. I don't miss what was wrecked. I miss what it represented to me. And today, when I look in my mind at what it really was, I don't have that skin-crawling feeling of horror, at least not all the time. This is progress. The truth was what it was. I didn't see it, or at least all of it, for a very long time. And when I did, I left. The end of the bad ride. 


I am dragging my feet somewhat as I approach my new destination. I am trying to figure out why. I may need help figuring it out as I have noticed it for a couple weeks now and haven't come up with anything. 


I am learning, however, to do the things I want to do and to have fun. I took Tuesday off 2 weeks ago and went to the beach with a friend. I am taking Tuesday and Wednesday off to see my favorite band and to play tourist in Boston with 2 friends. I am not fretting over not getting things done since there is no deadline - pressing or otherwise - that I have to meet. 


So, I need to finish the cleaning up here where I am now, move to the next destination, get settled into that and then start building MY park. What rides do I want in it? Who do I want to attract? Who stays and who goes? Big questions ahead. Which is my motivation to clean up so I can start answering them. I think the answers will be more enjoyable than this clean up. 

I can't remember my dreams from the past couple of nights. I hope that is a good thing. I'm on enough of a ride right now without the dreams adding to it. Just when I think I'm ready to move on, find a new ride, a new park, something from the old park and ride pass through my life and remind me of what used to be. I miss what I thought at the time was the good stuff and am still so very angry about the cracked foundation on which it all was built. 

The difference last night was my mind wouldn't let me stay in the past. It reminded me of what is better now and didn't let me stay stuck in the memories of the crash and injuries. Maybe I'm ready to find a new park and start a new foundation. I sure hope so. 


And I try to remember that grieving and moving on are processes and take time, with some setbacks occurring throughout both.

What my conscious mind does not want to work through my subconscious mind does. Though it seems to work in symbols rather than literal meaning. Sometimes just knowing the mind is processing and the heart/emotions don't have to become intensely involved is a relief. Today I was more angry than anything and I reminded myself to stop looking back at my past mistakes and the results of them. Actually, the results were not just of my mistakes but of someone else's mistakes combined with mine. And it is time to move forward, keeping the lessons and letting go of the unnecessary.

The move to a new location has begun in its literal sense as well. I will be moving this month. This is good. I am moving with plenty of time instead of hurrying out in a short amount of time. It is going to be exciting and frustrating, but so worth it in the end. To start over in a new place that is mine without memories or ghosts is a good thing.

I know there is stuff to write about but dealing with it is making me feel sad tonight. I just want to be done. I want to be left alone. I want to not be angry any longer. I want to learn the important stuff, forget the rest, and just move forward. It just doesn't seem to be happening that way right now.

Just when I think I've moved from recovery to discovery mode, I realize recovery is a longer process than I thought it would be. There have been some great "aha" moments this weekend but there have been some really tough ones too, where I longed for what was so much I could almost feel it. Thankfully, I have positioned myself where that is out of reach. No matter how much my emotions want it, my head knows it isn't good for me and won't let me try to seek it out.


I'm feeling the pull of the old, familiar, and comfortable against the excitement of the new and fresh potential of the future. I have no choice but to push forward, which is what I have been doing since late December. I don't fear the changes coming, I don't fear the future at all. But what I see from here based on what is now is not what I want. I will have to motivate myself to find ways to get what I want. Some of what I want is not just up to me, which is scary, too. It is easier for me when I am in control and it is just up to me. Not that much is really in my control, I just pretend it is.

Every time I think that ride is over, there is something still connecting me to it. Most recently, this has not been of my doing. I really want and need to be completely done with it. Most of the debris was picked up today and the pieces left will be dealt with very soon. Having the debris gone has not changed anything. I had hoped I would feel more free of the devastation and fallout from the crash. What I am actually feeling is the loss of what used to be my favorite ride, the regret I didn't check the foundation and structure better before spending so much time on that ride, and the unsettling feeling of being on my own. What I am going to build next will be done by me. I have family, friends, and my faith to support me. But the location, materials, decorations, etc., will all be of my choosing. I have never done this on my own. I know that I can and will do just fine, that I will take the time to find the right location, materials, etc., and not just leap at the first opportunity I find. It is a bit unsettling at times. 


And as I sit here and try to picture what that might look like, I realize my life won't really change that much. I will have a new sanctuary, a new favorite place to be. How I spend my time isn't going to magically change. If I want it to change, I have to engineer that, too. I no longer want to float, I want to paddle. Scary, but true. And to balance, because all paddle and no float would tire me out and I wouldn't be able to finish the trip.


I hope I can rest for the next leg of the journey tonight. That has not come easily this week.

A couple of rides are coming to a halt. One is only a faint shadow of what it used to be, but it is still good to get rid of the leftover pieces and parts that were part of the original ride, pieces and parts that are not mine any more. There are significant and life lasting souvenirs from that ride that I will cherish always. These can never be taken from me and I will never let go of them. The rest is useless and I'm so happy to be rid of it.


The other ride is the one that crashed to the ground. There are still parts and pieces of that ride that need to be taken away, and those should be gone tomorrow morning. There will be very little left of that ride, literally or figuratively. I have kept some pictures... for now. I can always get rid of them later. But those are the only real reminders. And they can be packed away or thrown away - whatever I want to do with them.


They say a man's home is his castle and I say a woman's home is her sanctuary. I am looking forward to finding and creating my new sanctuary. A place that is mine, all mine, and ONLY mine. That will be the next ride to build...

Not as much of a ride today. In fact, it was pretty calm. Shadows of my former life are in my head but I think that will end this weekend when the physical reminders are gone from my home. I have a plan for how to accomplish this that works for me. I have a plan to stay busy for most of the 3-day weekend, which is good, too. The summer weather and getting back to the gym are helping my mood. Sometimes it is good not to be going for a ride over and over and over....

The cycling continues... I dreamed about my old life this morning before I woke but added a new twist at the end. The ugly feelings from the old life stayed with me until someone pointed out it was probably my mind dealing with things. And when I revisited the twist, I realized it represented progress. 

I am hoping this weekend and the events that are scheduled put the final touches to burning down the old life. I really want to walk far, far away and not look back ever again. There are lessons I learned but I don't need to look back to see them. What I need to do is redefine the meaning of certain words and concepts: living a full life, learning to dream again, who am I, etc.

I gave up dreaming a long time ago. I'm not sure why. I am guessing I figured I would be practical. But without dreams, where did I think I would go? No dreams, no real goals, just getting by... That is not the way I want to live. 

I have a lot of work to do...

And the Ferris Wheel glides slowly to a stop, with my car at the bottom and I exit gracefully... or something like that. My morning was a bit rough and tears came to my eyes several times, and I cried when I got home from church.  Then I got to work on a large task - mowing both the back and front yards - and the tears were gone. Physical exertion and accomplishment do help a lot. I am learning just how much lately. And I will need to figure out how to include those into my life after I finish here in this house and get settled into the new home.

I also plan to return to the old routine of going to the gym after work as I think that helps a lot. After a 2 week hiatus, it is time for that discipline and exertion to return to my life.

I feel calmer. I did a lot of writing earlier, during and after the tears. I don't have new insights, but I do have new questions to ponder.

And so it goes...






 

Today's emotional roller coaster feels like a Ferris Wheel. The good news is I am feeling tbe bigger picture in this ride, not the specific to the last 6 months. More and more I am feeling like I did 10 years ago once I started picking up the pieces. Despite the mistakes of the past 4-1/2 years, I feel more confident now than I did then. But I also am even more cynical now than I was then.

How to change the big picture to a bigger life? That is the question I want answered. But I'm the only one who can answer it. And I have no idea where to start...

No voice today. I did figure out that I hear it more often when I read or listen to well-written material regularly. And when I have/make time to think such as driving in the car. 

Right now my focus has been on sorting, packing, and tossing stuff to get ready to move out of one home and into another.

The roller coaster is moving again and I don't know what ride I am on right now. The emotions are familiar but I cannot find the source(s). I'm not sure the source is even important.

I'm still searching for my voice today. I think it got lost in the noise of my emotions. I'm hoping tomorrow is quieter. 

There were a lot of emotions today. But some of them were so faint, they were almost unnoticeable. Soon they will fade away completely. I am looking forward to that. 

I realized how much I miss old routines but not specific people. I wonder if I can create new routines that meet the needs the old routines met. Or if I can find other things to meet other needs and the ones that are loud right now might fade and become lost just as the old feelings are fading away.

 

Today brought a different kind of roller coaster. My 16 year old is going to Spain for a month. Her flight leaves any minute now from Boston to Madrid and then she has another short flight to Alicante, where she will be staying. I'm nervous and excited for her at the same time. We tried to talk on the phone last night but she was somewhere the reception wasn't very good. I spoke with her this afternoon as they were leaving for the airport. She is a little nervous and getting excited. I'm glad she will have this opportunity and  scared for her safety so far away in a different culture. When we hung up, I wanted to cry. She will be gone for a month.

My "baby" who is 14-1/2 is going to the U.K. in July with a group. Since they speak English there, and he will be with a group, I am not as afraid for his safety. But it is still a long way away. He will be gone for about 3 weeks.

Parenting is NOT for sissies. 

Father's Day has been tough, too. I have nothing to celebrate and no one to celebrate with. It's just another day and one in which most of my friends are even more involved with family events than usual. Thankfully, I have a long to do list and the physical work does help significantly. I also took some time for me - I sat out in the backyard for about an hour reading and drinking a strawberry smoothie with rum. I still have quite a bit to do and most of it physical - sorting and packing books, then packing the car for my trip to CT tomorrow. 

I am taking great satisfaction from the work I am doing and the results of my efforts. The house is really starting to look as good as it can and the clutter is almost all gone. 

I have thought about my writing, what I want to say and how I want to say it and have come to the conclusion this blog is not the forum for the ideas that have been coming to mind lately. I will have to start another blog for that. 

I did wonder today, as I was shoveling up leaves, some of which were starting to turn into mulch on the back deck, why I am The Little Red Hen. Why do I like that role? Why do I take it on, letting everyone else off the hook? Wouldn't I be better off to work this hard with a partner, someone to be by my side, helping me or me helping him? Do I just want things done MY way? Am I trying to prove something? If so, to whom? Have I always been this way or is it more so since I moved to Maine? Is it the Yankee influence or the result of being a single parent with the burden of a dead marriage off me?

The Circle of Life... nice song from The Lion King. My song should be: The Circle of My Mind.

Today I just quietly walked away from that old ride, the old thoughts, and moved forward. I focused on my job during work hours, did errands on my lunch hour, and have been doing things here at home that need to be done. There have been thoughts in a direction that are a waste of time, but much less than yesterday and no emotional bouncing around was felt. 

I had a different ride this afternoon, though, as an offer was made on the house. We knew it was coming and expected it to be low. It was insultingly low. We countered, they gave their "best" offer. We refused. I would have had to be out of here in 3 weeks! I know I could have done it. Moe offered her place if I need a place to live. I probably could store a few things there, too, if I had to. I don't regret the refusal. Or the fact that I don't have to race to get out of here. It was fun and exciting for a short time. Just what I expect from a roller coaster! 

I went on an emotional ride today, but ended it quickly. I don't know what to think of my reaction to what I heard. I'm still easily misled - at least for a minute or two, which is why I have walked away and keep reminding myself to stop looking back. And I'm thankful I came to my senses almost immediately. I will be happier when there is no opportunity to connect ever again.

Interesting evening... out with friends to watch the hockey game. Memories behind everything, but not dragging me under. I knew intuitively how the game would end and what it would mean. And I remember all the many, many questions I asked as I learned about the game. Now it is just mine, this victory to celebrate. I can't help thinking it should have been so different tonight. I know this is exactly they way it is supposed to be. But I wish it wasn't. Yet I can handle that fact and only feel sad. There is no pain with these thoughts. Time does heal most wounds. Thank God for that.

Today has been a day of tiny ups and downs, more like swells on a lake on a calm day. I faced the knowledge there are things I miss living alone. There are always trade-offs. I don't want what I had, especially knowing fully what it was. This life is definitely better.

Switching Gears

When I wrote last night, I was trying to switch gears in my posts, trying to find my author voice. I didn't quite get there. Maybe the transition is going to take time.

I've decided to write this less cryptically and more like an observation of life - with a subtitle of The Ups and Downs of Life. It isn't especially original but it fits with where I want to go with my blogging. 

I'm inspired by Life's A Beach - how she captures so well the thoughts of then and now and expresses them so eloquently, commenting on life as it was and is. This will not be an echo of her writing. While I so greatly admire her style, it is not mine. I'm not sure what mine is any more, and that is what I hope to find out in the coming posts.

My mind is telling me to insert some witty comment here that will hint at that voice. But nothing specific is coming to mind. I used to be funny when I described my life as a stay at home mom with 4 kids. I still like to laugh, and look forward to a lot more laughter the rest of this year than I have experienced so far in 2011. But my thoughts and reflections are significantly different now, not just because I am working or because 2 of the children have graduated high school, or because they all moved out of my home a few years ago. I have experienced life the hard way the past 18 months or so, and especially the last 6 months. Thant cannot help but change my outlook and my voice.

It is now, in what is still the first quarter of my 49th year on this earth, that I feel I am finally an adult. I am making thoughtful and responsible decisions more often than I used to do. I am ready and willing to face the music for decisions I have made in the past 10 years. Of course, it helps that the plan that is in place right now seems to have the potential to take care of a lot of mistakes I made, especially financial ones. I am no longer allowing children to hold me down or back. I did that with my own children when I became a single parent years ago and I continued to do that when my own children moved away and I took on the responsibility (and beyond in some cases) of someone else's children in the role of stepmother. I am determined to make decisions from now on that will not tie me down. 

I feel I am ready to be an adult in other ways, too, such as finding things to do outside my home that I enjoy besides Goo Goo Dolls' concerts. I don't want to make up for "lost" time in my 20s when I didn't live as most 20 somethings do. I don't want to become a desperate middle aged woman trying to stay young, even though I feel that way at times. I neither need nor want to prove anything to anyone. I am able to start something and to see it through to completion without procrastinating so long I almost cannot finish what I started in the time I have to do so. 


I am still surprised when I remember that I am a grandmother. I certainly don't feel I look the part, even by modern pictures of grandparents these days. But neither am I cool and hip. I never have been and never will be, though I refuse to live my life as if it was still the 80s when I graduated high school and went to college. I will continue to move forward with technology, music, and fashion (to a point).


Yet I cherish the wisdom I have gained as a woman approaching 50, how it allows me to be less judgmental and more open-minded. I think more globally and long-term, though I probably will never drive a Prius. I hope to listen more and talk less (that is going to be a tough one!!!). After months of needing support and guidance, I want to be able to give back to my friends and family, too. I want to stop and smell the roses, or at least notice what is going on around me without being "that nosy old lady." 


Balance - oh boy, I am so not good at that concept in any way. I don't hike much because I am always afraid I am going to roll an ankle, fall, trip, or slip. Emotionally, I tend to be impulsive and then stubborn, and to camp out on the edges rather than in the middle. Sometimes I do see the glass as half full, but many times it is either full to the brim or the glass is not even in front of me. Maybe this is why I love roller coasters - I am either going up or going down, whipping around corners one way or another. Emotionally, I need to find another ride.

I'm really starting over now. I'm spending time sorting through 26 years of life, keeping what I want and getting rid of the rest. I will soon be packing up and moving to a new home - MY HOME. Literally, not just in my head and heart. 

I have learned much in the past months. I hope I can put the lessons into practice when needed. 

Balance has never been easy for me, which is one thing that makes roller coasters difficult for me to build. This is something I must work on once I have packed and unpacked. 

I'm expecting it will take all summer to completely move, unpack, and feel my new place is home. In the mean time, I'm learning how much I enjoy living alone. And I'm thinking about how I will spend my time after I am all settled into the new place.

I have been carrying around a feeling of sadness, sort of like the feeling after the buzz from a glass or two of wine has faded leaving a slight headache and the question, "Was it worth it?" Poignant is the word that comes to mind. The anger still flares, very bright at times, but it dies down quickly. The pain is muffled. Mostly I am mentally shaking my head at all that occurred. I feel sorry for the pain of others during this time, too. So many people were hurt. Some of them will be hurt again in the same way by the same person. But not by me.

I hope I am stronger, smarter, willing to keep my eyes open and not just my heart. Though I think my heart has become Snow White after she took a bite of the apple - in a deep sleep and encased in a glass casket.

I have been thinking like a writer at times. I've had themes for stories in my head. This has not occurred for many, many years. I hope my sense of humor in my writing returns, too. That was lost 10 years ago. I know I can find it if I look hard enough. 

I am looking for me. Who am I really? Who do I want to be? What do I want to do next? What do I want my life to look like? Who are the people I want in my life? What are the things - tangible and intangible - I want in my life? 

I attended a high school choral concert tonight - probably the first one in the 5 years the girls have lived in CT. Why did I never attend before? Were they on work nights? The memories I have missed. The experience of watching my children do something they love and recognizing them for their efforts cannot be underestimated. I cannot regain those times but I can make sure they aren't missed in the future.
 

Another two weeks have gone by. And I continue to study, consult with advisors, and bide my time while I sort it all out.

I have made peace with many reminders of the past. I drive by places that remind me of the old ride. They no longer feel haunting or mocking. I had a long phone conversation with someone connected to the design of the old ride. And it was freeing. I am surprised - pleasantly - by this. I feel so much lighter. I have not held onto details of that conversation. I hang onto the knowledge that I did my best, gave my all, and am still loved by many from that place. And I still love them, too. Contact will fade in time, which is natural. 


I have decided that while I wait, I am not boxing myself in. I am taking the high road. It may feel like a box sometimes because there are not a lot of people on that road. I am not putting myself above others. I am choosing to live a better life, with others who are also choosing the same. 


I know this feeling of strength and freedom will be tested. That is the reality - emotions cycle like a Ferris Wheel. However, the lows are less intense and the "highs" last longer and bring more contentment. The wheel changes shape. I must remember, though, to balance the emotional with the intellectual. Both are essential.

 

Not an April fool

I have continued my research and study in the past 2 weeks. I want to be further ahead but I am learning I cannot rush the process. My advisers continue to remind me of this when I become impatient with myself. 

Today I am celebrating the progress I have made. I am not looking back all the time. I have moved even further away and can only see a faint outline of where I used to be... more like heat waves off the pavement or from the ashes of the rubble. 

I am starting to feel "normal" again. I have stopped trying to understand the design of the old ride. It just didn't work. I don't need to know why any longer. I am looking for a new design that works for me now and from now on. 

I'm in the middle, the space between.... what was and what will be. I am not stuck in neutral. I am reviewing the possibilities, examining the designs, and taking my time before choosing. I am making a list of all the pieces I want included. This ride will not be box-like. It will not be one- or two-dimensional. It will be designed by and for me rather than for others. Sticking with the musical theme... it's my life!

I have been looking behind me more than ahead of me this week. I need to keep my eyes in front of me because there is no going back. There is nothing to go back to. It was not just a poorly designed ride, it was a mirage. The amusement park did not really exist. And now the reality is the only thing there is a pile of rubble in the middle of a wasteland. None if it has any use to anyone ever again. None of it can be salvaged.

I'm trying to decide where to go from this spot. I have walked away from the rubble enough that I can barely see it from where I now stand. Sometimes I can still imagine the rest of the park as if it had all been real. Most of the time, my mind has been thinking about how all the controls that created the mirage worked. And that is seriously a waste of brainpower!

Before I can move from this spot, though, I need to decide how to proceed from here. My old ways of thinking and designing are not going to work; those ways have collapsed many times before. I need to look at my own foundations. I need to review the theories I have depended up on and figure out the flaws or find better theories.  I need to inspect every tool and piece of equipment I have for cracks, parts that need repairing, and parts that need replacing. Fortunately, I have quite a team of experts to help me with all of this. They have shown me where to go for design information, how to repair things, and where to get replacement parts, and have offered their assistance and advice. I want to learn from them so I can assist others when asked.

In addition to reading manuals and studying architecture, I have been talking to the master builder frequently.  I am impatient for the research and learning to be done. But now that I have a better focus of what I have to do, I am hopeful the process will proceed at a safe but efficient pace.

After that process is complete, I can look around and figure out where I want to build. I have started to think about what I want to build. I don't think a roller coaster is what I want. Maybe I want a surfboard to ride the waves instead.... but I am getting ahead of myself again!

The fun I mentioned finding isn't always there after all. Or maybe it is during the wait between rides that the fun seems gone. I'm still working that out. 


I just listened to Long Way to Happy by Pink and figured out where I am right now. I'm definitely long beyond the old ride at the old amusement park.There is NOTHING I miss about that place or ride. But I still want to find what I thought I had at the old place on the old ride. And I'm afraid I never will. I'm not sure I have the patience to keep looking, or the endurance to keep trying new parks and coasters until I find the right one. Or that I won't recognize it when I see it. Or that I'll give up looking and become distracted with other, easier to achieve goals in life. Or that finding the right park and the right ride isn't what I should be doing. 


I'm confused. And I'm still recovering from the collapse. Funny how knowing I don't miss that place brings its own grief and tears, that moving on is as painful as the fall even when I know I'm moving to a better place.

Well, the last mini ride did not go as planned. That wasn't a bad thing, it just was. And after I stepped back and looked around, I realized I didn't want to be on a roller coaster any more. At least none of the rides I could see was anything I wanted to try. I walked away. I let go. I really started moving on in a different direction, right out of that amusement park. Of course, I kept looking back, wondering if I was doing the right thing, because there was still something about the old place, some part of me that wanted to be there. But I kept my feet moving away, just as all the wise people around me advised. 


And now, I am in a different place. I still glance back every now and then, but not too often. And I really have no interest in any piece of the old place in my life at all. I have some good memories of some good times. I met some great people there, some of which are still part of my life. But the pieces I walked away from will stay in my past.


Today I started a new ride. Yes, life certainly is a roller coaster. And I am choosing the rides carefully. I am figuring out just what I want and need. I am trying new rides, new types of coasters. I've rediscovered the joys in the ride.

I am on a mini coaster.  All week I have been slowly pulled up to the top by the chain that starts the ride. Tonight I am poised at the top, just before the chain lets go. Tomorrow afternoon I will start the plunge. Being a mini coaster, the highs and lows aren't too extreme. And the ride will be much shorter than the one that collapsed in December 2010. But it is a replica of that one and there are twists and turns yet to be discovered, despite the fact that I know all I ever wanted and more about the ride that collapsed. 

One day I hope to look back and see the spot where that ride used to be and remember the fun times even as I remember the cracks in the foundation as it collapsed with me on it.

But not yet. First this mini ride. Broken up by times of picking through the rubble of the broken one, saving anything that might be worth saving, and throwing away the rest of it. And then, probably some time away from the coasters. Some time to think about and sketch out what I want next, before drafting the blueprints. Only after I am sure those plans are exactly what I want will I return to the land of roller coasters and rides to build my ride, my way.

I have decided I don't want to be on a roller coaster. I am still recovering from the crash of the last one. I don't want to ever do that again. I just don't know where to go from here. I will move forward, I will not live in the rubble or the memories, that is for certain. I don't have any destination in mind other than as far away from the upheaval as I can get. I don't even know what I want after this. I keep forgetting how much time it takes to heal. The scrapes don't show any longer, but those deep bruises show up later and take much longer to go away.

My adventure was a turning point in many ways. I let go of a lot of emotions. I cried a lot of tears. The strength of a group of women of faith cannot ever be overestimated. The spiritual connection guided me through the narrow doorway into the next phase of this ride I am on, even as I am trying to rebuild my ride. 

The days that followed were good ones but as the week went on I struggled with doing the right thing for me, with letting go and detaching from the unhealthy things in my life. I did what I was told, though.

I listened to the wise voices in my life, especially since they all said the same things. And I continued to detach. I found it gets easier once the first big step is taken.

Every now and then I look at the rubble, just to remind myself of the good times on that ride. There were good times, many of them. And there are such good lessons I learned during the time that I will carry forward with me. 

But I have been thinking about the rebuilding process. Do I really want to build a roller coaster? Probably not. But what should I build? I have no idea... especially since life is a roller coaster no matter what I build.

The days never quite end the way they begin lately. I've learned to expect turbulence at any time. I've learned to accept sudden calm to follow intense emotion.  And I've learned that I'm really not building this ride on my own. I have such a team to help me - family, friends, coworkers, other supports in my life - that I cannot do anything else but succeed. I am proceeding carefully - more carefully than I ever have before. I'm paying more attention to the details within me and the details in the foundation that is being built. 

I am off on a 2-day adventure beginning this afternoon. I expect this adventure will provide the blueprints needed to build a solid, stable, and dependable foundation. I expect to receive some great ideas for building the rest of this ride as well. 

As for today, it has begun well. I feel better than I have in many weeks. I don't know how long this feeling will last but I plan to enjoy and celebrate it while I can. When it's gone, I will plow through whatever follows with determined steps. I will get through to the other side of this rubble and rubbish. I will find that place where light and love rule. And I will make my home, and my ride, there.

Today was somewhat the opposite of yesterday. It started out ok, got tough, but then got easier. The ride continues. I just have to get keep taking one step at a time, one day at a time. The ride is different every day. And the days turn into weeks and weeks turn into new phases in this path I am on. I get stronger. I make peace with the past. I mourn what was lost or what never was. I laugh. My sense of humor is coming back. I enjoy small moments to myself, the simplicity of my life right now. It will become complicated again at times. That's part of the ride. I'm better equipped to deal with the complications. And to return to the simplicity in a thankful space.

No songs today. Cher was going through my head earlier today. But it isn't quite time yet. Tonight, I'm going to enjoy the simplicity, ignore the complicated, pamper myself, and thank God for the many, many blessings I have. Especially the people around me who truly care. And who applaud the progress, who encourage when I can barely take a step, and who truly love.

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts Official Video

I was reminded today that it is still a roller coaster I am on, even while I try to build something from the rubble. And that I need to go with the flow of this ride as it will eventually wear itself out and I can regain control of the building process.

Below is yesterday's anthem. Today I am moving toward Cher's Strong Enough. But I'm not quite there yet. Maybe by the weekend!

It's starting to happen more and more. I am getting stronger. Just like the song. I know there will be tough moments ahead when I don't feel strong at all. Last night was tough. I just didn't want to do any of this. Not that I have a choice. I just wanted the promise of the old ride back. I wanted my old life back the way I thought it was, not the way it really was. But life doesn't work that way. And so I let God have it. I told him how angry I was, how hurt I was, and asked why. WHY??!!

I didn't get any specific answers. And I didn't sleep very well. I woke often. It took me a while to fall asleep. And when I woke this morning there was a very heavy feeling in my heart. I didn't want to go to church. I just wanted to take some advil PM and go to bed all day. 

But I didn't. I got dressed and went to church. I sang in the choir. I cried through the service. But I was there with friends and my church family. And I'm so glad I went. 

I went shopping after that. Got groceries for a few days. Didn't mind that I am back to shopping for myself only. Didn't feel embarrassed about a marriage that lasted longer than one year. Saw a lot of couples shopping today and I didn't care. It didn't hurt that I don't have someone special like that in my life. And I didn't worry about when I would or if I would ever again.

I spent the afternoon at a friend's house, catching her up on the latest in this coaster drama. Shed some tears, laughed about undramatic things. Learned to knit - again. Came home, and have been calm all evening. 

Last night I was ready to ride off the ends of the earth. Tonight, I'm pretty calm. And am glad I didn't fall off the edge of anything. 

I'm a little bit stronger.

I had thought I would give up the roller coaster and just build train tracks. Stay off the risky path... but then reality hit a little and I just wanted to ride the tracks all the way to the ends of the earth and fall off the edge into nothingness. The sadness can be so overwhelming. The total waste of love, time, potential, everything I gave...

The engineer of the train that fell down was here today. Trying to re-engineer something. I wasn't buying it. But I did, a little. Not that he could see, just enough I could feel a little hope of something good coming out of the rubble.

And then I did some digging. I found the REAL story. The untold truth. Again. There is always more - more lies, more cheating, more of me to try to break down. 

NO MORE. The engineer is not welcome here any more. I will not listen to anything he says. 

I'm not going to build anything of my own just yet. I'm going to sit with my materials, my plans, and wait. I'm going to wait for more ideas. For real hope, not false hopes. I'm going to wait until I know for sure WHAT I want to build. Maybe not a roller coaster. Nor a train. Maybe something that flies. I have always wanted to soar.

I didn't write much yesterday. It was a day of mourning. I needed to just be sad and to let go a little at a time, saying goodbye as I piled the rubble. I haven't lit the match yet, but I will soon. And that fire will burn brightly as a sign of new life to come.

Yesterday was tough. I fought tears all along the way. I had a very important appointment that got me started sorting through the rubble, organizing it so it will burn well when the time comes to light the match. 

Today was a little bit better. No songs on the radio to tempt me to believe the old lies. No communication to try to reel me back in. Friends checking on me every day. Work to occupy my time and thoughts. 

Not all the days ahead will go as easily as today did. There will be many more like yesterday. But I will continue to move forward, to organize the rubble and get ready to light the match. 

A little bit stronger. Here is gone.

A Little Bit Stronger - Sara Evans [w/ lyrics]

This is my anthem. For now. And probably for the coming weeks and at least a few months. A little stronger every day. A little smarter, wiser... oh wait, that is the next anthem - the one after this.

But I am getting stronger. I don't want to puke all the time. I don't want to cry all the time. I see the truth more clearly than the fairy tale I lived in. I don't hate. I'm sad. I probably always will be sad about this. The roller coaster I am burning was a good one in some places. It needed work on its foundation. Unfortunately, the work was never started and it collapsed with me on it. The work was not mine to do. The inspection was. But I won't regret the ride, the time, the love I shared. And I won't beat myself up for not looking closely enough, not seeing the cracks in the supports. 

I'll never ride again without a complete and detailed inspection. A little bit stronger. Then smarter, wiser... a fighter.

I am determined to build this one piece at a time. The foundation will be solid. And as I take control, yet let go and let God, the fear subsides. Sadness remains and will for a while. I rode that ride for 4 years. There were parts of that ride I will miss. I won't miss how it unexpectedly changed and threw me for loops I had no idea were coming. There is a wide line between trusting the ride is safe even when I'm not sure where it will take me and turning into a free fall into a pit of darkness from which there is no way out. Or a ride with pieces missing. Cars derail too easily when pieces are missing and people get hurt. 

I am going to keep going. One piece at a time. One day at a time. With my family and friends cheering me on. 

Changing the way I ride and write

The ugly truth about 2010 was revealed to me in early December. The ugly truth continued to roll out all month. And it broke my heart. It left my dreams in pieces so small they look like a pile of ash. Actually, my heart looks a little like that, too. But the thing about hearts is there is always a core that cannot be broken or damaged in any way. And this core is what is keeping me going. It is strengthened by my faith in God, and by the most wonderful, supportive, and intelligent friends I could ever hope for. Oh, and some sick humor, music lyrics, and my kids & granddaughters - not necessarily in that order! <3

2011 is going to be my year to shine. I have a lot of polishing to do because I let myself become quite tarnished. I trusted. I gave all to someone who gave nothing back but lies and pain. I am getting off that ride. I can't allow myself to be tarnished like that again. I am worth so much more. And thanks to my friends and family, I have come to see this clearly. Even God told me this today on my drive home. I heard Him. I, who rarely listen, HEARD HIM.

I'm going to listen and heed. I'm going to get out the rags and the polish and go to work. I'm going to write about my transformation in a positive, introspective light rather than the  scared, just cover the facts but barely way I usually do. I'm going to ride the roller coaster I choose. Not the broken one I rode for three years before buying it last year. I'm burning that one - burning it down to piles of ash that will become dust in the wind. 


I'm not sure what the new ride will look like. But I'm going to build it myself. And I'm going to pay attention to the foundation - pay very careful attention to those details. I'm going to build it slowly and patiently and purposefully. My way. Though I hope God will keep talking to me and I hope I keep listening. I want to use His blueprints.